


Blues Traveler

by FiccinDylan



Series: Sticky Loves StuBurt [2]
Category: Weird City (TV)
Genre: Above the Line, Age Difference, Anal Fingering, Below the Line, Coitus Interruptus, Dildos, Face-Fucking, Fucking Machines, Injury Recovery, Meet the Family, Rimming, Roleplay, Slice of Life, Spoilers, Tasers, sterek cameo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-03
Updated: 2019-04-29
Packaged: 2019-11-08 18:50:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 25,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17986682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FiccinDylan/pseuds/FiccinDylan
Summary: The Five Times Burt’s Kids Interrupt Him and Stu Making Grilled Cheese and the One Time Stu Decides to Return the Favor (but is Reminded That Grilled Cheese Doesn’t Travel Well)





	1. Who Steals a Van?!

**Author's Note:**

> Y'all.. okay, how do I start? Lol!
> 
> First things first:
> 
> 1) This will be a wip, 6 chapters 5+1  
> 2) It's all outlined, but chapter 1 has already wildly zagged where I thought it would zig so we're just going to see what happens  
> 3) It's an M now, but it's definitely gonna get kicked up to an E
> 
> What you need to know:
> 
> In Ep 5 (please try to watch the full series if you can, it's really great!) we meet Chonathan and Mulia and Barsley and Phephanie (and Barsley’s canteloupe)
> 
> They are very snooty "Above the Line" people who are inspired by a commercial to give credits to the needy people who live BTL (Below the Line)  
> .  
> The song is sung by “Plisa”
> 
> Because the girls seem jealous of Plisa, and because Plisa is Burt's daughter's name, I'm making them the same person. I'm also making her the sister of Phephanie and Mulia which means they are all Burt and Martha's daughters.
> 
> In the episode, the quartet steal a van - the worst crime to ever happen ATL.
> 
> They are sentenced to four years in jail.
> 
> This story picks up once they are released (but there is some expository flashback).

Burt and Stu lay on a mostly bare mattress in a mostly empty room. In what used to be _their_ room. They could have kept it, the small little house that was uniquely _theirs_ , but with all the changes happening, neither figured they’d see the inside of the little room again. Over the last four years it’s been made homey with pictures of their life being rooted and sprouting together. Pictures of Burt’s favorite classic car reissues next to some of the overflow owls Stu has liberated from his mom. Vacation pics from the Sir and Rumi Vibranium Anniversary legacy cruise he and Burt went on for their third anniversary next to a picture of them with Booj and his new mates at Plisa and Palph’s wedding.

All of those things were packed away and all that was left were bare walls, carpets in need of the deep cleaning scheduled for over the weekend and a king sized bed with a bare mattress and Burt and Stu.

Burt is on his back, holding Stu in his arms as Stu lounges on top of him, kissing his face sweetly, his cheeks, his neck, his wrinkly little lips. Burt chuckles to himself in his way and Stu can almost see the little old timey commercial he has tucked back in his brain that he goes to when he’s feeling especially bemused and content. Stu loves when he gets this way, loves he can make him this way.

It’s been four years with this man and he never thought he’d find this kind of happiness. When he thinks back he realizes when he imagined his mate, he never really thought of a person, never really gave them a face. Instead he thought of a feeling, of safety, of contentment and desire. And he has all of those things with Burt. It’s amazing. He never would have guessed that his bliss would be packed in a mountain of a man nearly four decades his senior, but here he was, more in love than he’s ever been.

Sure, there have been some challenges. Rough waters that Stu and Burt have had to navigate that neither had really considered before. Burt is a strong man, but Stu is young and borderline insatiable, especially when he’s bored.

Burt is way past retirement age, but being with Stu has re-invigorated his youth. He’s even gone back to work, buying the old garage he used to work for when he lived below the line before. It was attached to Al’s diner (Stu is convinced they used the same grease and that’s probably why it was so good) so Burt owns and manages both. Sometimes he even gets under the hood of cars themselves.

Stu visits him occasionally and loves seeing him on the little hovercraft under the car, plink-plonking away. Burt always seems to know when Stu arrives, maybe it’s because he’s the only one wearing fancy toe shoes. They’re not exactly the fashion BTL, but Stu knows Burt’s crazy about them. Then Burt will take a break and put in an order for Stu in the diner while Stu goes back to Burt’s office and they violate some health and safety codes.

During one such visit, Burt was fucking Stu against his office door when he suddenly reached up to grab one of Stu’s hands that was holding onto the coat holder above the door. Burt came hard and then cried out in pain, freezing as he pumped hard into Stu’s undulating frame.

“Big Bear, c’mon, touch me! I just need a little, you’re so good, I’m almost there!” Stu plead, writhing his hips, trying to release his hands from Burt’s vice like grip around his wrists.

“Stu!” Burt hissed out between his teeth. “Sto- fucking- _stop!_ ”

Stu’s eyes shot open, “Burt, are you okay, hun?” He tried to turn his head, but it was smushed up against the door by Burt’s increasingly heavily frame that seemed to be falling against him… and deeper into him. His eyes may have rolled into the back of his head. “Ohhhh, fuck Burt, man down!”

Stu dropped his legs and inelegantly dropped to the floor dislodging himself from Burt’s grip and his dick. Burt yelped out again, not changing his position, this time looking like an actual advancing and attacking bear. His paws… er, hands were above his head and his maw was gaping open like he was about to roar.

Instead he sobbed.

Stu shot up and ran to Burt’s messenger bag grabbing his Steffi device out and placed it gingerly on his head.

“Steffi, this is Stu, I’m advocating for Burt, access 3957842.” He said as confidently as he could manage, though still confused as to what was going on. They’d only been together just over a year at this point and Burt had been the picture of clean health. He hadn’t even gotten the Pmurt virus that everyone was getting.

“Advocacy function engaged. How can I assist Burt on your behalf, Stu? He appears to be suffering some sort of pain trauma. May I suggest Pain Apps 5, 7 & 3?”

“That many? What are the side effects? We’re at his job and we’re fucking naked. There’s only a couch and I don’t know what the fuck to do, Steffi, I-” Stu starts pacing and pulling at his hair which has started to grow out longer though he generally liked to keep it short and-

“Stu, please remember to breathe.” Steffi reminded him. Stu took a breath in and out.

“That’s good. If you put on your device, I can have your Steffi send you some calming vibes to help you through this.”

Stu nodded, put on his Steffi and exhaled as his Steffi began playing his favorite tantric chants in the background.

“Okay, first, side effects, then we’ll choose an app, get him settled, and you’ll explain to me what the fuck happened.”

What happened was Burt overextending and inflaming an old injury while fucking the life out of Stu. Stu would feel guilty except, fuck, it was _really_ good. He was more anxious about whether they could get Burt healed completely.

“He’ll mostly just need rest and some anti-inflammatories. He’ll need to lay off of heavy physical activity for about a week and avoid aggressively repeating the same motion in the future.”

Stu nodded and thought about the next week of taking care of his man. He didn’t mind that, actually looked forward to it. Stu could be a bit of a hypochondriac himself and was always coming down with some sort of sniffle. Burt took care of him excellently so he was happy to return the favor. What he would come to mind was the reality of their situation being thrust into his face by complete strangers. Being asked by Burt’s nurses if he was Booj or Burt’s grandson (which… _okay?_ ) when he went to get refill orders for the pain apps. Or even worse, for some reason people thinking he was into _any_ old man and they’d try to hit on him despite him being definitely married and them being definitely decrepit. He knew he should have just done his errands over Steffiweb, but he was out and it was on his way. He’d know for next time.

And even through all of that, they made a life together they were proud of. The part Stu was most proud of was how open they were with each other. The two didn’t have secrets and shared their lives with each other, past, present and future. But even that was an uphill battle.

While Burt was down from the first sex injury, Stu went to the store to pick up Burt’s standing order and saw a group of older men playing emoji dominoes with their tablets. He picked up Burt’s bag and was about to walk away when one of them called out to him.

“Hey there, are you sure that’s for you?” An old man with dark skin, the color of aged oak and blond wiry hair called out to him. He and Stu had the same clear, brown eyes. Another older man, with a thin mustache and wicked grin, slapped him lightly on the shoulder.

“That’s him. That’s the cub... Stu!” he said in an accent with a Mediterranean lilt.

“Oh shit, he is a youngin’,” the last man said, ”come over here and let us get a closer look at you, boy. Where’s Burt at anyway? He still owes me 25 credits from last week!” He’s a long and lean man with long grey hair and indigenous features. He’s wearing a fisher shirt and short pants, but he’s decked out in turquoise jewelry. Stu wasn’t sure who these guys were, but he was sure he was going to like them.

“25 credits? What the fuck did he throw down, bumblebee?” Stu said confidently as he pulled out his tablet and opened up his emoji dominoes. He straddled the empty chair he assumed was usually Burt’s (and explained why it always took Burt so long to pick up such a small amount of groceries) and eyed each man whose gaze went from flabbergasted to cunning in no time.

“You think you can do better than your old man, kiddo? He’s a veteran at this game. We play old school rules.” The man with the matching eyes said to him. He wore a name badge indicating he was some sort of clerk at the store. Maybe that’s why they met there. His name was Veginald.

“Well, Veg, doesn’t matter if it’s old, new or middle school. As long as it settles his debts and may adds some backrubs to _this_ old man’s vaults,” he adds pointing to himself, “I’m ready to wipe the floor with the lot of you!” Stu winked causing Veginald to blush crimson through his darkly cocoa tinged cheeks as the other two men hooted and whistled.

“You really are a firecracker, aren’t you, Stu? I’m Sareen, this is Masike.” The mustachioed man pointed to himself and then gestured to the native gentleman. Masike nodded.

“And I’ll take that bet. As long as you promise to report on those… back rubs.” he said with a slight raise of his brow. Stu grinned.

“Oh, that wasn’t a euphemism. He gives amazing backrubs.” The men nodded and picked up their tablets flipping through through animated characters figuring which one to play. Sareen picked up his cup to take a sip as Stu cleared his throat, “and _excellent_ blowjobs.”

Sareen sputtered, his drink spraying mostly all over Veginald who was laughing too hard to really notice. Masike just shook his head gently and regarded Stu who slapped down his tablet playing an owl with a graduation cap. The other men at the table groaned, transferring over their credits.

“You tell Burt that his ‘old man’ has taken care of his debt and at least two back rubs and… throw in a couple of those blowjobs.” Masike said transferring a couple of extra credits to Stu. Stu laughed.

“Thanks, guys, I’ll definitely let him know about the add-ons.” The men talked shit and played for a few rounds and Stu learned that Burt usually joined them once every other week after work.

“Hey! Why weren’t you jerks at the wedding?” Stu demanded, taking a sip from the lager Sareen handed him. Sure, it was ATL, but Burt has been friends with these guys for years, Stu wouldn’t have minded. In fact, Burt didn’t have a lot of his people there outside of his family. Hell, even Stu’s twin cousin and his weird boyfriend came and they lived all the way south of Irmingblam in Beacon Hills. Burt didn’t have anyone extra. Stu assumed most had died off which is why he never asked Burt, sadly.

Veginald looked around at the other men, speaking the language of those who have known each other a lifetime and shrugs, “Burt’s new life with you didn’t include us old fogeys!” he joked, waving Stu’s question off and trying to reset for another round. Stu blocks him and looks around.

“What? No! I want to get to know you guys too. Come over for dinner tonight! We’re having meatloaf!” The men hummed and Stu smiled to himself. “Yeah, you can come over at about 9?”

They all looked at him like he was crazy and he couldn’t help laughing.

“I’m kidding, I know you’re probably out cold by 9. Dinner’s at 6, followed by some more emoji dominoes so I can kick your asses in front of my husband!”

The men laughed and cheered and Stu gave them the information before grabbing his bags and slipping away.

On the way home he thought more about the life Burt had before him and how much of it he thought he had to keep from Stu to make him more comfortable in their arrangement.

He walks into their little house and takes a look around. Other than the pictures of cars, there’s very little of Burt’s past life on the walls. Everything there is from Stu forward. Stu has his graduation certificate from Highland Awards and his mom’s article from when they moved above the line. He even has his yearbook from college in their bookcase. Stu doesn’t think he’s even seen Burt’s wedding pictures of him and Martha, he hasn’t even thought to ask.

“Fuck, am I a bad husband?” He mused aloud to himself.

“You’re the best husband.” Burt said, watching Stu carefully from the doorway. He was on his feet but the pain apps made him a bit woozy. Stu figured after today he’d be fine. He shook his head.

“Thanks, fried yolk,” Stu said, shaking a carton of a dozen eggs at his mate, “but this is one time I think you might be wrong.”

“Hey, hey,” Burt came around the island and stopped Stu’s uncharacteristic fussing, instead wrapping him in his arms and hugging him tightly. He nosed along his temple and held him while Stu inhaled Burt’s scent. He smelled like laundry detergent and lavender from the epsom salt bath Stu got for him to soak in. A little like deodorant and a little like sweat and a little like perfection and everything Stu loved about him. Stu looked up at him and could see the concern in Burt’s eyes, “What’s bothering you, egg white? You were on top of the world when you left. How did Below the Line take this long to get you down?”

Stu huffed, “It’s not being below the line, it’s you!”

Burt tried to take a step back, but Stu realized his error and stopped him, wrapping his long arms around his husband.

“No! Wait, that’s not what I meant!” He gave Burt the best puppy dog eyes he could muster until he was satisfied Burt was at least listening and then grabbed his hand.

“Big Bear-”

“Stu, you know you can’t call me outside of the bedroom, there are… _consequences_.” Burt said with a low growl to his voice.

Stu grinned a bit to himself and then, remembering the point of the conversation, regrouped.

“Hon, obviously that’s not true, because three of your _lifelong_ friends at the grocery store know that I’m your _cub_?!” he said incredulously. Burt’s face went sallow before he rolled his eyes.

“I told them to put the bags upfront! They should just fire Vel and let him collect the unemployment credits until he retires. He barely does anything there anyway, but I guess it gets him out of the house.” He nodded at Stu knowingly and then stood there smiling while Stu looked at him like he had a second head.

“Burt!” Stu well, yelled.

“Fine! Every couple of weeks after the garage I got to the store and play emojidom with the guys. It’s not a big deal, really! I honestly didn’t think you’d be mad about it.”

“Burt, first of all, I’m not _mad_ , just concerned. These guys are your best friends and they weren’t even at our wedding. They know about me, but I didn’t even have a clue they existed! And second of all, since when are you shit are that game? You owed Masike 25 credits?”

Burt’s big blue eyes got even bigger in his glasses which Stu tried and failed to not find adorable. He felt his non-anger getting quenched even further and wrapped Burt in his arms again.

“Oh Stu, don’t tell me you took their credits!”

“You’re damn right I did. And you owe 3 backrubs and twelve blowjobs and Sareen said he’d personally validate that each one was carried out and I’m not sure how that’s supposed to happen, but dammit, I believe him to be a man of his word!” Stu joked into Burt’s neck. Burt pinched Stu on the ass causing him to yelp and pull his head back pouting at Burt. Burt grabbed his chin.

“Hon, BTL benefits are for shit. I go there every couple of weeks because that’s when they get their social aid. They’re too proud to ever just take my money, so I lose a couple hundred credits and then I go home. I owed Masike because I realized I accidentally took your wallet instead of mine.”

Stu’s eyes widened at the confession, “Aww babe, that's so sweet!" Stu scratched the back of Burt's head, "Well shit, hon, you could have used mine. What’s mine is yours, you know that. And yeah, I invited them over tonight so maybe we can lose big and send them home lucky?”

“Damn, I’m the lucky one.” Burt leaned down and kissed Stu hard on the lips. Stu held him close by the back of his head, tilting his own slightly to deepen the kiss and Burt obliged sweetly, letting Stu’s tongue mingle with his.

“How’s your back, big bear?” Stu whispered into Burt’s mouth. Burt playfully growled again but then he looked into Stu’s eyes and stopped, standing up straight.

He cleared his throat and held Stu by the shoulders, not totally at arm’s length, but far enough to let him know that what he had to say was important. More important than cashing in on his ridiculous bank of blowjobs.

“Uhh, well… in the interest of sharing more of my past life with you…” Burt began. Stu narrowed his eyes as a knot formed in the pit of his stomach and he started to lose his erection.

“What is it, Burt?”

“I… have more kids.”

***

Stu sat on the couch nursing a scotch neat that Burt poured before wisely exiting the room and leaving Stu to well… stew. A few moments later, Stu heard Burt as he shuffled back into the room.

“Stu-”

“No!” Stu held up a finger, still not making eye contact with his husband of nearly two years at that point. His husband that yes, he’d met through a machine and yes… fucked the second time they met, but also apparently has more kids that he just conveniently forgot to leave out of the ‘ _Getting to Know You_ ’ portion of their date?

“And it was a date, dammit!” he yelled without context at Burt.

Burt knew and loved Stu (and that wasn’t the first or last time the outburst would occur) and understood completely.

“Yes, hon, one of the best first dates I’ve ever had. Are you o-”

“How many?” Stu asked, now leveling Burt with an indefinable look though he knew Burt could feel his whiskey colored eyes all the way to the back of his soul.

“First dates? Well I mean, my assigned hook-ups I guess I never really counted, I-”

Stu sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose.

“Huburt…” Stu saw as his husband froze at the formality. He stayed stalk still, waiting for Stu’s command. “How many _kids_?” Burt’s mouth formed an ‘O’ and he nodded.

“Umm two… to four?”

Stu threw his hands up and stalked towards the door fuming. Burt ran after him and grabbed for his hand.

“Stu, wait!”

“Burt, what the _fuck_?!”

“Would you just listen to me for a minute?”

“I listen and you tell me you have between two and four _additional_ fuckin’ kids!”

“Oh c’mon! It’s true!”

“How is that true?!”

“Well I’m trying to explain-”

“EXPLAIN BETTER! Fuckin’ get your Steffi!” Stu crosses his arms across his chest as a light panel seems to power-up behind Burt’s eyes. He runs and grabs his Steffi, turning on the projection.

“I have two more daughters!” Burt puts up two fingers and two women appear on the screen. They’re both young, but older than Stu and Plisa.

“That’s Phephanie,” Phephanie is beautiful, dark complected in a Maltese way like her mother. She’s confident, but Stu can see a hint of something in her eye. “And this is Mulia.” It’s a picture of a pleasant enough looking woman but it’s obvious she’d been crying. She’s sitting in a glass box with a chair in it and smiling forcefully.

“Is that the best picture you had of her?”

“The thing is,” Burt continued, “ is that they married two neighborhood kids that were always around and they’re all really fucking co-dependent. This is Barsley and Chonathan. Barsley is the one with the cantaloupe.

Two men come up, both handsome in their own right. One has darker ebony features and is standing with his arm around Mulia whose hair is in front of her face, ‘ _That girl cannot take a picture,’_ Stu thought to himself, and the other was wearing a NuSud Korea t-shirt and holding a cantaloupe and a very large knife. Phephanie looked bored beside him.

“So I call them all my kids, but they’re always bickering and breaking up, but never for too long so... “

“Between two and four.” Stu offered and Burt nodded.

“Yeah.”

“So, why didn’t you tell me about them?” Stu asked wearily. Burt scratched at the back of his head.

“Well, they’re in jail.”

“Dammit, Burt! You’re like that movie where they go through all the doors and then behind every door there’s a fucking new twisted ass door and they fucking die in there because they can’t get out because of all the fuckin… you know… the doors!”

“ _Death Door_?”

“Yeah!” It wasn’t a very creative title. And for a two hour movie it was kind of a piece of shit. Stu didn’t know why he thought of it then, except he couldn't think of a better way to describe this predicament. He puffed his cheeks out and sunk into the sofa into Burt’s side who held him close.

It turned out that the kids stole a van with the intent of going below the line to sponsor a child. Stealing a van was the worse crime that happened above the line at that point so they were given the full and maximum sentence. Of course above the line jails were basically spas, but still, they couldn’t leave.

“Wait a minute,” Stu did the math and realized that the event had to have happened just as he and Burt moved below the line, “we’d been together for a year at that point. Why didn’t you tell me about them before?”

Burt shrugged, “They’re pretty obnoxious. And they were on extended sabbatical for Chonathan’s job in Irmingblam-”

“Is that the real reason you didn’t want to go!” remembering Burt’s chagrin when they were separated the first time.

“No! I wanted to stay here with you because I was in love with you.”

“Mmhmm…”

“And once I heard about them being arrested I figured, why ruin a happy home?’

Stu shook his head at his husband and tweaked his nose.

“Any other surprises? You have a secret Obamanian family I don’t know about?”

Burt slapped Stu’s hand away and kissed him on his nose. Burt always did find his nose cuter, though Stu loved Burt’s nose just fine.

“No, that’s about it, egg white. And I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I realize it is a big thing and it wasn’t fair of me to keep it and my past life hidden. I’ll do better and make sure you know more.”

“I love you, Burt. And I wanna know all of you. I’d like to see your wedding with Martha if that’s okay?” Burt smiled a bittersweet smile, but it was twinged with hope and love. He nodded.

“Of course.”

From that moment to the moment they lay in their empty bed had been a journey of growth, bonding and reflection. Stu had Burt’s friends over several times (and lost lots of credits) and they were all completely enamored with him. He even had his parents over and they all listened and sang along to the Marlo Umfree holoconcert. They stayed up until half past nine that night. Most of them fell asleep in Stu’s living room but it was a great night.

Within that relative peace, there were a lot of changes that did happen. Shortly after moving, Dr. Negari was shot. No one knew the status of his vitality but in the resulting investigation it was revealed that The One That’s the One was not so much a matchmaking service as much as it was a commercial property scam.

Sure, they did DNA matching, but only on people who held desirable real estate. Stu’s downtown apartment was choice and so was Burt’s natural gas adjacent property. Making them think they made a mistake and forcing them to leave was the best way to get their property at rock bottom prices.

Thankfully Burt’s property had been willed down for generations so he’d simply signed it over to Plisa before they left. Stu had already sold his department so the whole endeavor was pointless in a way. And with the embargo lifted, Stu and Burt were able to move back above the line, but they we’re happy where they were.

Burt had the garage and diner and Stu works from home mostly. Sometimes he went ATL for business meetings or to see Plisa and Booj or his old college buddies. Same with Burt. They we’re happy and settled and comfortable and one day, they received a very special call from Plisa.

“Hi daddy, Hi Stu!” She said , her ever cheery self on the phone. Stu and she have become great friends though he’s taken more of a second dad role with Booj. Sometimes Booj even calls him “his Stu” which Stu loves, but will never admit to.

“Hi Plisa!” Stu greeted, brightly.”

“Hi Honey!”

Plisa had just gotten married so the calls were few and far between anymore. They loved hearing from her.

“Hi guys, well, I have some great news and some… not so great news, and then a very big favor to ask of you. Which do you want first?”

“Just the great news and none of the rest?” Stu attempted, ducking the less than amused expression on both of the Chund faces glaring at him. “Damn, I was kidding! Plisa, honey, just tell us everything, and we’ll figure it out.”

“Well… okay, wait, so great news first. Palph and I are expecting!”

“Oh my god!”

“Plisa, baby, that’s amazing!”

Stu and Burt showered Plisa with congratulations for the blessed event. They we’re both so happy for her.

“How far along are you?” Stu asked already knowing Burt was thinking about a shower. Burt was the one who took charge at the wedding when it came to planning. He was a savant at that stuff.

“Only a couple of months. We’re very excited. It’s possible I could have twins and I just need to have a nice and calm, peaceful environment.”

“So how is there bad news and a favor?” Stu wondered aloud. Plisa’s shoulders slumped, and Stu knew she hated to be the bearer of whatever news she was about to level them with.

“The kids are about to be released, and as part of their parole they are required to be on house arrest for a year under a watchful guardian. Normally I would do it, but with the baby or _babies_ , I don’t think I should, so I was wondering…”

Stu could feel the blood rush to his ears and he saw bright dots explode in front of his eyes.

“I was _wondering…_ ”

Burt gulped and his jaw dropped and hand reached over to Stu’s which Stu gripped tightly.

“I was wondering!!”

“Umm…” Stu, well not really answered as the hopeful look dropped from Plisa’s face and was replaced with a mixture of desperation and determination.

“C’mon guys! I can’t make two babies while trying to take care of four babies! I’ll help as much as I can, but I need you, _please_!”

Her bright blue eyes that she inherited from Burt twinkled through the screen and both Burt and Stu knew they were helpless against them. Burt nodded.

“Yes, Plisa honey, we hear you, and we will help, but first one thing,”

“Yes, daddy?”

“What’s Booj doing?”

“Daddy! He just started his teaching job, and his mates are settled, they can’t move!”

Stu laughed, punching Burt lightly in the arm. “Plisa, honey, of course we’ll help. But do we have to move back? Like, actually live in the house? We can get something nearby, right?” Sure, Stu didn’t know the kids, but judging by the reactions of their most loving relatives, he was sure any precautions were good ones. Plisa shook her head.

“No, you have to be living in the house and one of you has to be there or have an assigned sitter at all times and the times for the sitter can not exceed two hours in a 48 hour period.”

“What about date night?” Stu asked. He liked to take Burt out and get drunk and talk about which pro safeball guys were cute with him and make Burt tell him why he was cuter and then find somewhere to suck his dick in semi-public.

“You just have to end back at the house.”

“Who steals a fucking van?” Stu finally asked, though without need of an answer. Plisa just shrugged. Burt services above the line cars all the time and they get stolen constantly. Usually Burt just buys a new one at cost (the mark-up for normal re-sell above the line is ridiculous, but you can get a knock off pretty cheap) and charges the customer, they never seem to notice. It’s one of the reasons Stu never bought a car, he doubts he would have noticed. He has noticed that the first thing Burt does when they get a car is take a picture of the interior and remove everything personal from it and put it into marked bags. If they have to buy a new car, they can just put everything back the way it was.

Below the line, the sentence for stealing a car was community service since it happened so frequently. Above the line it was apparently the worst crime to happen that decade. The kids were made an example to other above the liners to stay in shape. Apparently it worked as there’s been no crime ever since.

Well, until Dr. Negari was shot, but who knows if that counts as a crime?

***

“I can’t believe we’re leaving this little place.”

Back in the present, Stu lays on Burt and Burt reminisces while Stu tries to look forward. He shrugs.

“I don’t know. Once the baby comes, we’ll wanna be closer.”

Burt nods, “yeah, definitely, but we’ve made so many great memories in this place.”

Stu grins down at his man and his legs fall apart, straddling the big bear and grinding their cocks together through thin denim and even thinner cotton.

“You think we got time to make one more?” He asks with a wink. Burt wags both eyebrows,

“Well one more wouldn't hurt.”

Stu begins to make his way down Burt’s torso, kissing a path down his still clothed belly when his crotch begins to vibrate.

“Well, Mr. Maxsome, is that your Steffi watch or are you-”

“It’s clearly my Steffi watch, Stu!”

Stu sits up in a huff and shoves his hand in Burt’s pocket, rooting around for the watch.

“It’s from that movie, umm…” He’s still rooting around lost in thought and Burt’s eyes may roll back in his head because instead of rooting around in his pocket, Stu may have “accidentally” unzipped his pants and stuck his hand in there instead.

“St-Stu, I don’t think, oh _Steffi_!”

The watch buzzes again and Stu rolls his eyes, he doesn’t get why Burt doesn’t just wear the damn thing, they could have a lot of fun if Burt had a vibrating fist.

“Hey cubby, we gotta get that, it’s probably one of the kids. You know they’re already at the house and Plisa is probably close to pulling her hair out already.”

Stu remains petulant, “C’mon Big Bear, this is our last time in this place, we have a few, let’s just take a few minutes to properly make sure they have to burn this mattress.” Burt laughs and Stu swallows it, kissing him smoothly and writhing into his body.

Burt’s watch buzzes again but this time Burt reaches in to pull it out. He’s about to throw the damned thing across the room when he sees a text from “Foofy” that simply says “DADDY!”

“It’s Phephanie. We gotta go.” He sighs, showing it to Stu like it’s proof.

Stu, not ready to concede so quickly starts kissing Burt’s neck, “C’mon, we still have time, we’re already packed so we’ll bust some quick handies before the movers-”

As if on cue there’s a rap on the door indicating that said movers have arrived and it’s time to go. Stu sighs and scales down his mountain of a man.

“Raincheck, egg white?”

Stu pulls Burt up and pulls him into an embrace, pecking him sweetly on the lips.

“You better believe, fried yolk.”

Stu holds out his hand and Burt takes it. They leave the house, the same way they walked in all those years ago. Hand in hand, embarking on a new stage in their lives.

 


	2. In Their Defense...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stu meets the kids!
> 
> And they meet him right back...

“So… Stu!” Phephanie ignores Barsley trying to pass her a bowl of rolls and instead swirls her vodka martini. She points a sharp nail at Stu who is ladling gravy into his mashed potatoes, “Tell us about yourself, when were you born?”

Burt rolls his eyes but the rest of the kids look at Stu expectantly. He doesn’t flinch.

“Well Pheph, I was born in Hallubeck Heights, below the line, like your dad. My mother invented the Unappetizer so we moved up here right after I graduated highschool.”

Pheph is about to open her mouth to clarify when Chonathan interrupts.

“Really? The Unappetizer?” Stu nods proudly as Chonathan brings his up, “I love this thing! It’s allowed me to stay really focused and streamlined. No extra clutter, no unwanted junk. Steffi, can you run Unappetizer, please?”

“Sure Chonathan, Unappetizer will remove _Prison Tattr_ since you are no longer in jail. The rest of your apps are used with common enough frequency. Goodbye.”

“Amazing!” Barsley says, equally impressed though he’s fully aware of the app and what it can do. Mulia is the only one unimpressed.

“Why didn’t she delete the porn app?”

“Your mother is a genius, Stu, absolute genius. I look forward to meeting her!” Chonathan says taking a large bite of the steak they’re having. Stu nods and wonders if maybe he had it wrong.

It was their first night together and sure, the kids were a bit self absorbed and nosy as hell, but otherwise, they were… _okay_.

“Thanks, Chonny-” Stu says, but cuts short at the bristled face Chonathan makes, “alright, not a fan of the nicknames, not a problem. Thank you, _Chonathan_.” Chonathan grins again and offers Stu some of his homemade lavender ale. He’s offered it around the table three times and somehow everyone has gotten away with saying no simply by pretending they can’t see it. Stu tries the method and looks at Barsley.

“So Bars,” Barsley beams, loving the attention, as Chonathan shrugs and sips his ale before making a face and placing the pitcher under the table, “what do you plan on doing now that you’re released?”

He’s about to answer when Phephanie, still pissed from being ignored earlier, butts in.

“So _Daddy_ ,” she asks, this time widening her already large eyes even bigger. Dammit, Stu knows it will work, he does it to Burt all the time. “How did you and Stu meet?”

It wasn’t the questions that bothered Stu necessarily, it was the fact of having to go through this again, except with people they were supposed to technically love. He could tell the creepy guy at the Maxx Out gym to fuck off when he got too personal about him and Burt, but this was Burt’s daughter. He couldn't just tell her to fuck off. At least not until he got to know her a little better.

“We met through The One That’s the One, the Above the Line matching service over at Negari Labs?” Burt says, making a mess of trying to get his corn off the cob. Normally Stu would do it for him, but he doesn’t know if Burt wants him doing it in front of the kids. Also, it’s pretty fucking adorable. “Stu!” Burt hisses, nodding to Stu’s plate and wagging his brow. Stu grins and trades their plates where his corn is already off its cobb and his meat is cut up. Burt digs in as he places a hand on Burt’s back.

“Yeah, it turned out to be a scam.” He says. The kids did hear about the scandal and couldn’t believe it. “Thankfully Burt had already willed the house to his children.” Stu gestured around the table, but couldn't help but notice the pall that fell over the table, specifically Mulia.

“Oh, you mean his _youngest_ daughter?”

Plisa sighs and throws down her napkin, “Well, I happened to be the only one who didn’t have multiple stints in rehab, and oh yeah, wasn’t in jail!”

“Hey!” Phephanie cries, jumping in, “We weren’t in jail _yet_ , and at least we didn’t get fat!”

Plisa’s jaw drops, “I’m _pregnant_! And I’m barely showing!” Stu puts a comforting hand on Plisa’s knee squeezing it gently and Plisa takes two cleansing breaths before centering herself and giving him a thankful gaze.

Okay, Stu could see how these kids could be jerks, especially if they were able to pull Plisa into their bullshit so easily. If Stu weren’t so involved, he might admire it.

“Now girls, what did your mother used to say?” Burt recites, as though he’s just said it yesterday and the day before and the day before. Everyone sighs and reaches out to hold each other’s hands. Stu looks around confused but joins in the hand holding.

“Can’t we all just get along?” They say in unison, nodding at each other knowingly.

“That’s right.” Burt adds sagely, “And can we?”

A chorus of responses fill the room:

“Yes, Daddy!”

“Sure, Dad!”

“Sorry Daddy, Sorry, Plisa.”

“It’s okay, love you Foofy, love you, MuMu!”

“Love you, Plisa!”

Stu takes a sip of his wine to hide his grin in his glass.

This was going to be an interesting year.

***

Later they’re in the parlour drinking and talking. Stu is listening to Barsley prattle on about organic produce and wonders just how up close and personal he’s actually gotten with the melon he’s petting so languidly in his lap. After a while, Barsley excuses himself and Burt looks after him completely flabbergasted. He has his cantaloupe in a bjorn that’s typically used to carry a baby, but this one is fitted specifically for the melon. Like it’s been custom made. Stu shrugs, completely bewildered at Burt as Plisa takes Barsley’s seat next to Stu.

He turns to her and puts a hand over her stomach. There’s only a small bump there so far, but he still thinks it’s pretty cool.

“Booj was so mad that I _‘decided’_ to get pregnant as soon as he moved away!” Plisa tells Stu jokingly. He knows Booj can’t wait to be an uncle and is doubly excited since the twins are due to come during the solstice break.

“I’m so happy for you and Palph, Plisa. The babies are gonna be beautiful and so loved!”

Plisa grabs Stu’s hand and squeezes it tightly. Stu looks back to where Burt was sitting but instead sees Phephanie. She’s turned Burt’s chair to face Stu and is staring at him directly and obviously. Stu may be very drunk, but he’s pretty sure she’s… making a kissy face at him?

He looks at his glass of wine and wonders if he’s drunk. He takes another sip to find out.

When he looks back up she outlines her lips sultrily with her tongue and then winks at Stu. Stu… looks away.

“So… you guys have quite a few more months ahead of you.” He says to Plisa though he could have said, ‘ _so… the rain in spain falls mainly on the plains?’_ and it would have served the same purpose. Plisa nods, distracted while side-eying Phephanie and subtly trying to shoo at her while answering Stu.

“Uhh yeah, lots of, fun coming just... around the- _what_?” Plisa’s face scrunches up and Stu finally looks back at Phephanie who makes another kissy face at him and then uncrosses her legs slowly. She widens them in the middle, slightly thrusting out her crotch, and then crosses them the other way.

Stu lets out a shuddery exhale, “ _Fuck_.”

Plisa’s head snaps over to him, “Really?!”

He grabs her hand and his leg starts to bounce up and down.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuuuuuuuuuu- _Independent Callings: Back to Basic Instincts_! Whoo!” Stu pumps his fist and looks at Plisa, throwing his hand up for a high five. He can’t believe he got that one and can’t wait to tell Burt! Plisa lets out a sigh of relief and pats Stu’s shoulder who’s nodding proudly.

He looks back over to Phephanie who’s gotten up in a huff and stalked away. He notices she’s wearing pants, and that’s _not_ how that scene goes. Also, she doesn’t know this game. What… what the fuck was she doing?

“Plisa? What was your sister doing?”

Plisa pets his hair gently and scratches behind his ears. Stu was drunk as hell, but he didn’t care.

“She thinks if she can seduce you it will prove that you’re not in this relationship for dad, but for… well, you know.”

“For what?”

Plisa points to her wrist and waves it back and forth like she’s scanning it. Stu’s eyes widen.

“For his money? Why would she think that? I make more money than your dad!”

Plisa’s jaw drops, “Oh my god, you do?”

Stu nods, “Yeah, my mom created the app, but I run the company and maintain the current app, handle all the upgrades and monetize all the offshoots. Did she think I just lived off my allowance like a spoiled ATL- _oh_ …” Plisa bobs her head up and down.

“She thought you lived off your credits allowance like us spoiled above the line kids.” She says cutely while she pokes his cheek.

“I’m a college graduate, Plisa, with honors. I’m very smart. I’m an adult.” Stu says, puffing out his cheek for her to poke again. She giggles and winks at him.

“You certainly are.’

“Hey now, don’t you start too.” He growls biting at her playfully while she yelps out a laugh.

“I’ve got twins coming and if you’re so loaded, I’m just saying, we’re gonna have a lot of mouths to feed!”

“Plisa! What would Palph say?”

“After I tell him about your mom’s app, I’m sure he’d be happy to come and sit for one hour and 59 minutes.”

Stu laughs heartily and is about to take another drink of wine when Plisa stops him, taking his glass and setting it on the table on the other side of her.

Everyone in the room has cleared out except for Barsley who is snoring inelegantly on the couch. Plisa squeezes Stu’s hand causing him to look directly into her sparkling blue eyes. She got them from her dad.

“You’re gonna be just fine, Stu. Just stand your ground with them. They’re… well-” Plisa looks at Barsley who has snorted himself to semi-consciousness before kissing his melon and falling back to sleep, “they’re basically monsters, but they do actually care. Just in their own backwards way.”

Stu nods and leans over kissing Plisa on the cheek. They smile at each other and sit peacefully until suddenly they hear a yelp from the kitchen followed by a blood curdling scream!

“Burt!” Stu jumps up and helps Plisa before running into the kitchen where he sees Burt leaning over the island clutching his back in pain. Mulia is in the corner shaking her head back and forth, crying and patting herself on the back with what appears to be a puppet hand on a stick.

“You’re okay, you’re okay, you’re okay.” she chants to herself as Stu looks to literally anyone else to figure out what happened. Chonathan is fanning Mulia from a respectable distance and Phephanie is standing with both hands held up guiltily trying not to look like the guilty party.

She has something in her hand. Stu points.

“What the fuck is that?” Phephanie points her eyes to her hand and the offending object in them and chucks it away.

“What the fuck is what? I don’t know what you’re talking about. What game?”

“Game?!” Stu yells, still looking at Phephanie while rubbing Burt’s back and trying to turn on his Steffi watch. Burt was terrible about keeping the damned thing charged.

“What’s _Bird’s Nest_?” Plisa asks, looking at the controller that Phephanie threw away.

“Dammit, Phephanie, you had one job!” Chonathan hisses from his position on the other side of the kitchen island. His eyes are on Burt who is still bent over with pain, and on Stu who he’s treating like a rabid animal. Phephanie continues to ramble like an idiot.

“What job!? I don’t know what anyone is talking about, I didn’t do anything, I didn’t even know about Daddy’s previous back injuries, I didn’t go through any medical records!”

“Fuck, Pheph!”

“I’m sorry!” Phephanie flops to the floor and crosses her arms over her chest giving way to exaggerated crying. Stu rolls his eyes.

“Hey, you in the corner and you in the spotlight? This is about your dad who’s in pain. So stop being brats and one of you go get my Steffi from the living room. Chonathan, explain yourself.”

Chonathan takes a step forward. “Well, some would say I’m a pretty complicated being-”

“Chonathan, I swear to Steffi-”

“Oh you mean, explain how Dad got injured- uhh well, we were playing _Bird’s Nest_ which is a game where you reach into a bird’s nest and you pull out eggs, and some are filled with treasure and some are filled with new exciting bird species and some are filled with bombs, and those you have to throw away quickly and I think that’s where Burt here might have run into some trouble.”

As if on cue Burt groans and Phephanie finally comes back in with Stu’s Steffi.

“Steffi, engage Steffi match agent override for Huburt Maxsome access 3957842, initiation via voice activation protocol, please allow complete takeover for the next 59 minutes.”

“ _Steffi is attempting take-over… take-over is complete, Stu, Your device will now perform functions for Huburt Maxsome, which apps would you like to engage?_ ”

“Pain apps 5, 2, sub 1 and A.”

“That seems like a lot.” Mulia offers snottily from her corner. Stu ignores her.

“ _Pain apps ready to initiate, please place the device on Burt, Stu._ ”

Stu places the device on Burt and immediately Burt breathes a sigh of relief. He stands up straight and cracks his neck. As soon as Stu sees he’s alright, he lays into him.

“Hey Mister, mind telling me what you were thinking?”

Burt huffs, putting both hands up in defense, “It was just like they said. I don’t know, all the guys play the game at work and it seems like a real hoot, pardon the pun, but I can’t really play it with them being the boss. So I wanted to see what all the fuss was about.”

Stu rolls his eyes. He feels like they’re going to get stuck that way just by overuse.

“Are you crazy, Burt!? You know you can’t overextend without at least a good half hour of stretching. You remember when you took me to Romantarangeben?”

Burt looks at Stu who now is grinning at him slyly and gives him a little wink. Oh, he remembers Romantarangeben alright.

Burt clears his throat and then puts his hands on Stu’s shoulders, “I’m sorry, egg white, I didn’t even consider.” Stu puts his hands on top of Burts.

“Well Burt, these are things you have to consider, you understand. Remember, _‘high is a lie, low is the way to go’_ , okay?” Burt nods and Stu walks into his embrace and they hold each other.

Plisa is in the doorway holding a tablet with Booj and his partners on it, all relieved that Burt is ok. Stu waves at him and is about to call it a night and help Burt to their room when Barsley clears his throat.

“Did… was I the only one who? He just called him _‘egg white’_? We’re not touching that?”

“Why is there not cry closet here for me to process my emotions?” Mulia interjects, “Daddy almost _died_! And all I have is this corner? Wasn’t this a condition of my release?” She sobs in the corner and everyone looks on pitifully. Chonathan shakes his head.

“Stu,” he starts, turning his attention to the couple, “I think what they… well, what we’re trying to say, I guess, is that Burt is an adult and he doesn’t need you babying him. He can have a little fun and sure the consequences aren’t always desirable, but that’s part of the package, isn’t it?”

_“Oh, well it’s a good thing I don’t give a flying fuck what you think you piece of shit!”_

Is what Stu _wanted_ to say. And now he’s back to square one, the thing about answering questions but now with people he was supposed to love. He could curse out people who didn’t count. People behind him and Booj in the therapy vending machine line telling him they were taking too much time? Fuck your mothers, dicks! My son needs to mourn his loved one! The prude monsters at the open air cinema that would gawk at Stu and Burt making out. Fuck your dry assholes, my man’s dick is bigger than yours!

But these people now? In front of him? Were people who potentially mattered. This was… family.

“Ba- _babying_ him? He’s… my husband. I care about him more than anything.” Stu says slowly trying everything to keep it together. Plisa gets in his eyeline and starts rubbing her belly, she knows that helps and he’s grateful.

“Well Martha never talked to him like that.” Chonathan says her name so casually, it almost makes Stu tense up. Not like she’s dead, but almost like he’s about to call her over. Like she’s in the next room and would come in and say, “Oh no, I’d never baby Burt like that, he’s his own man, you’re a terrible husband, Stu.” And Chonathan says it so cooly, not like it’s a dig, or a comparison, just a statement of fact, in the most sociopathic tone he could muster.

Stu was too tired for this shit. He’s just going to let them have this one and he’ll regroup and think of a way to piss in their eggs in the mor-

“Jesus, Chonathan, give him a break!” Burt chides. Stu looks at Burt surprised and notices that Chonathan is not surprised, but accepting of this _‘dadding’_. “When Martha was alive I was 20 years younger and wouldn’t have let her get a word in edgewise. Maybe if I had, I’d be able to lift my arm over my head without throwing my back out for a week. Or maybe I would’ve been able to carry my husband over the damned threshold to our house!”

“Oh, honey bear, I didn’t mind that, besides, you did make me ascend the temporal plane.” Stu stage whispers cheekily up at Burt.

“Oh my god,” Plisa giggles putting a hand over her mouth.

“What?!” Mulia yelps before silently sobbing again.

“You,” Burt pokes Stu in the nose causing his eyes to cross, “stop being a little shit.”

“Never!” Stu hisses, swooning a bit. Burt winks at him.

“And you!” Burt points to Chonathan, “Apologize and say goodnight so I can get off my damned feet. These pain apps are making me loopy as foodge.”

“I’m sorry, Stu. Have a good night.” Chonathan says with a sincerity that shocks Stu. He sighs, but shrugs and nods.

“Goodnight, Chonathan. Goodnight you guys.”

As he leads Burt out of the kitchen and to their room, he hears Phephanie say, “Where’s Romantarangeben? Is that one of those popup islands? Oh my gosh, did Stu take daddy there? Uggh, I hate him, but I think I also love him!”

Stu rolls his eyes and concludes they’re either gonna get stuck or detach and roll around in his sockets like marbles.

***

Stu and Burt walk down the hallway to their room. They chose the one as far away from everything as they could manage. Inside, Stu sits Burt gently on the bed and starts undressing him. He gets the wedge and some extra pillows from the closet and begins putting them on the bed before moving Burt into place. Burt chuckles a bit and Stu knows he’s thinking about the last time they put him in this position.

“Burt, _sto-op_!” Stu says cheekily. Once he’s situated he lies beside Burt and pets his chest which is still moving up and down from Burt’s giggles. It’s a combination of the pain apps and the memories. Stu knows exactly what he’s thinking about. “Big Bear, if you keep giggling, I’m going to start thinking about what I know you’re thinking about and then where will we be, hmm?”

Stu traces his finger down his husband’s neck and down his sternum. He draws his hand up and finger walks it to Burt’s nipple. Burt grabs it and bring it to his lips.

“I’m just thinking about how the last time we had this wedge out, these fingers were wedged somewhere else.” he teases groggily with a saucy wag of his brow. Stu turns bright red and buries his head in Burt’s neck.

“Oh my god!” He’s embarrassed, he was… not the most graceful top, but damn did Burt make him feel sexy that day. It was his birthday, or maybe it was Burt’s birthday? He was very high. And he’d never topped, or maybe Burt had never bottomed? Either way it was fucked, and the it was Burt’s ass, and it was _awesome_ (the ‘it’ again being Burt’s ass). Stu couldl feel himself getting hard, which shit! He was trying to avoid in the first place!

“Dammit, Burt! Now I’m hard and you hurt your back, what the fuck am I supposed to do now?” he complains, though the only heat in it was currently headed to his dick which he was lightly rubbing against Burt’s thigh.

“I’m sorry I pulled my back, Stu bear, I might have to take it easy tonight.” Burt says reaching down and taking hold of Stu’s erection and giving it a little squeeze. Stu exhales roughly and sets his teeth into Burt’s shoulder, using every bit of willpower he can muster to move Burt’s deliciously calloused hand from his now throbbing member. He shakes his head.

“No shit you’re taking it easy! I’ll… I’ll be fine, it’ll go down or I’ll go jack off, don’t worry about me, you just focus on getting better.” Stu says with a yawn as he snuggles back into Burt’s side, but this time angling himself so his crotch is as far away from Burt’s person as possible.

Burt pouts, “But I want to make sure you’re taken care of!”

“You always take care of me, Big Bear. Besides, penetration isn’t everything.” Stu says, sleepily trying to find a position that isn’t too uncomfortable for his boner. He’s also trying to pat Burt to console him but end up slapping him in the face a little until Burt just finally grabs his hands causing him to finally open his eyes.

“But you love it!” Burt insists, continuing the conversation. Stu grins as his ass twitches slightly. He does love it.

“I do love it,” He says fondly, but he clears his throat and looks at Burt with as much love in his syrupy honey eyes as he can, “but I love you more!”

“Can I get that in writing, Egg White?” Burt huffs with a sly grin. Stu smirks leaning over Burt gently, but surely.

“Hell no, fried yolk.”

He kisses him sweetly and pulls off his own sleep pants tossing them across the bed and begins stroking himself. He’s so keyed up it’s not going to take long.

“Damn, Stu, you look so good, my handsome cub.”

“Shit, Burt!” Stu’s balance stutters a little, but he makes sure to only fall to his elbow and not fall on Burt. He looks down and sees Burt clenching his toes, indicating he’s enjoying the show Stu’s putting on of languidly stroking himself, even though his still abnormally large penis lies flaccid against his thigh. Stu knows it’s a side effect of the pain app and temporary, but it does make him think that they should have had more time before having to worry about stuff like this.

“C’mon Stu, show Big Bear that honeypot.” Burt teases with a wink. Stu blushes as he wets his fingers on Burt’s tongue and gathers some of the pre that’s weeping from his dick. He can’t help but let out a moan as he lays back and uses one hand to separate his cheeks. He circles the rim seductively and pushes his finger in until it reaches the first knuckle. Shit, he needs more lube.

“Talk to me, cubby, how does it feel?” Burt says softly, so softly that Stu can only really hear it in the nerves under his skin that race from nipple to nipple, the tip of his cock, the webbing between his toes and his fucking heart.

“I need more, want more, tell me, Big Bear, tell me I can have me, tell me it’s okay.”

“What does he want more of?”

“Are you serious, they’re totally fucking!”

“I don’t think they’re actually fucking, not with Dad’s hurt back and all the pain apps he put him on.”

“Omg, WHAT?! What did I just hear? No!”

Stu swears he has to check whether it was Mulia, or his eyes that make the noise of falling against the wall, sliding down the floor and bursting into tears. He’s pretty sure it’s Mulia, but he knows he was close.

“Dad still fucks, that’s… pretty progressive actually. Do you think they use Hardisill or some of the other erection apps?” a voice that can only belong to Barsley offers. Stu wonders if he’s drilled a hole in that cantaloupe yet. Burt is staring at the door wide-eyed, as though he hadn’t expected this, or worse yet, he’d forgotten to expect this.

Stu doesn’t know what to do, but he does know one thing and he stares hard at Burt shaking his head.

“No Hardisill, not a fucking change! Those things will give you a stroke!” He whispers harshly.

Burt looks at him like he’s as crazy as the kids are clearly making him and damnit maybe he is, but it’s been a crazy night, but he’d be damned if Burt thought he was going to let him-

“Stu just said no to Hardisill, right? I think I do like him now. Especially if he’s keeping the old man happy in the sack.” Phephanie says at full volume clearly with a drink in hand. Stu looks at a clock. It’s 2:00 am. Nothing good happens at 2:00 am.

“He’s keeping him happy in the _what_?! Oh my God, stop!” Mulia sobs. Phephanie just laughs.

Burt pinches the bridge of his nose. “Kids, what do you think you’re doing?”

The door starts to open and Stu scrambles under the sheets making sure to cover Burt as well.

“No! I didn’t say come in! I just asked a damned questions, Jesus St. Steffi! It wasn’t like we couldn’t hear you through the damned door!”

“Actually it was kind of muffled.” Barsley offers. Everyone (except Stu, who is hiding under the covers and never ever coming out) looks at him, unimpressed.

“Daddy!” Mulia yells. “Gross!” She gestures to the bed, to her father in it and the lump that is Stu beside him, and just, the world in general. Burt shrugs.

“Then why’d you come in? Go to your own rooms! All of you, get out of here!”

Chonathan clears his throat and takes a step forward, “I think what Mulia is trying to say, Burt, is that statistics show that erection apps are dangerous for anyone not to mention men of your maturation. They are known to be the leading cause of-”

“ _Getting your ass kicked if you don’t get the fuck out of our room, NOW!_ ” Stu yells from his heap.

Chonathan nods quickly and the kids scurry out of the room. On the way out Stu can hear Phephannie say, “ _I can’t believe Daddy still gets laid!_ ” and Mulia breaks out in tears again.

As soon as he hears the door close, Stu sits straight up and looks at Burt who shrugs.

“I know.”

“Burt!”

“I know! They’re assholes!” He concedes, both hands bent up, not looking for a fight, “but in their defense…”

“Huburt Raleigh Max-”

“Hey, hey, not the middle name, come on!” Burt tries to lighten the mood, but Stuart has said his full name in a tone he doesn’t use often, but when he does they both know he means business.

The last time Stu used that tone what when Burt told Stu he’d need to start working overtime at the shop and Stu reminded him: ‘ _fuck the shop and if you try that shit again, I’ll hire a manager myself and make you retire and if that doesn’t work, I’ll burn the shit to the ground. That whole block is a freaking circuit board waiting to melt down as it is. So now do you think you can come up with a solution to your personnelle problem?_ ’ The next day Burt adjusted the shop hour and took on fewer, more exclusive clients. He didn’t need to hire more people and didn’t need to work any overtime.

Stu was sure Burt knew to be very careful about what he would say next.

“When Martha and I had them, the party drug apps were pretty new and no one could predict all the side effects!”

Stu was sure he was going to throttle his husband.

“Okay, okay, fine! They’re not PD babies!” Burt says eyeing the pillow Stu has in his hands that looks aimed for his face. “They’re healthy, it was really Martha and me who dropped the ball. We had them a little later in life than we’d anticipated. The girls grew up with a silver spoon in their mouths and I was working all the time and Martha was always teaching or in her studio. We had Plisa and Booj close to a decade later and we corrected a _lot_ of our mistakes with them, but the damage was already done with Pheph and MuMu. Especially once they’d found their matches. I don’t know how to fix them, so I guess I just got used them. But I shouldn’t expect you to just agree to that and I’m sorry.” Burt reaches for Stu’s hand and sighs a sigh of relief when Stu lets him after a moment’s hesitation.

“I’ll talk to them later today. Tell them you’re not family like that, they can’t just treat you like that.”

“They’re my family, Burt.”

“No, no, Egg White, that’s my disaster and I have to live with it. You get to choose and you chose well. Plisa and Booj? Perfect. You don’t need to bother yourself with those four. Don’t worry, I’ll talk to them.” Burt says, trying to put it to rest, but Stu squeezes his hand until Burt looks at him. Stu tries to project the truth of his words into his husband’s eyes.

“It’s… I’ll deal with it, Burt. You don’t have to talk to them. Look, I think I’m still a little tense from you hurting yourself like a big doink today, but I want to get to know them and I want them to know me. We’re going to be together for a long time, we need to get along. Can’t we just all get along?!” Stu says, he nearly rolls his eyes at his damned self until he sees the utter sincerity in Burt’s. The man’s nearly come to tears as he nods solemnly. Shit, what was up with this phrase?

“Yes, yes we can get along. I love you, Stu.”

“I love you too, Burt.”

Stu kisses Burt and then reaches to his side to turn off his lamp and turns back expecting to spoon his husband as usual. But Burt’s back means their routine is going to be disrupted for a while. ‘ _That’s okay._ ’ Stu thinks to himself. They’ve gotten through changes before. He snuggles into Burt’s side being careful not to jostle him too much and then settles in, being lulled to sleep by the pleasant rise and fall of Burt’s chest.

They’d get through this.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a podcast and we did an interview with the lovely Haley Webb! Check it out here: https://soundcloud.com/bhadpodcast/haley-webb-loves-america
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this chapter! Please leave comments and kudos, I'd love to hear from you! Lots more to come!


	3. A Little Attention

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A slice of life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is a video of the kids listening to Plisa's commercial about sending credits to poor children Below the Line: https://www.instagram.com/p/Buu4VXQnQYk/
> 
> You guys, just when I think, oh I’m making them way too terrible, I rewatch the ep and think… no, that’s about right. There are lots of references to the ep and the series and just know everything is pretty on par with the kind of people they are, heh.

“Precisely! Just think of the experience poor little Ooliver would have been deprived of if he hadn’t come with us!” Chonathan says as he lifts his craft orange juice IPA to his lips. He’s about to sip when another thought comes to mind, it’s about the fourth time he’s interrupted his damned self by Stu’s count.

“Well he hadn’t ever breathed air that wasn’t clotted with pollution!” he says confidently. Mulia nods dramatically beside him.

“That’s right! And if I hadn’t have shown him how to access his emotions, he never would have helped me self actualize and I never would have made it on the inside!”

Everyone around the table nods thoughtfully and Stu has to mentally stop himself from rolling his eyes since it was starting to give him a headache when he did it too much.

“Just think you guys, even though we had to spend all that time in jail and now we have to spend a year living with Stu and Daddy, we also probably changed that kid’s life. We did so much more than Plisa did with that song.” Phephanie says pulling out her tablet. “Steffi, play the commercial.”

Stu grits his fingers as the song fills the kitchen and immediately the kids (and much to Stu’s chagrin… he - _himself_ ) starts singing along.

> _When a child says "Mommy, I'm hungry."_
> 
> _And you know that you want to do good._
> 
> _Do you just walk away?_
> 
> _Cuz you're busy today?_
> 
> _Or send credits like you know you should._
> 
> _Sending credits makes you feel so good._

It was a charity song that Plisa and Palph created as a way to help send aid to children Below the Line. It was a huge success and Stu used to give every time he heard it because it ended up being an unintentional bop. But over the years other things took its place though it would drift in and out of favor. Currently it was out and every morning as the kids re-lived their past, it would drive Stu crazy.

It’s been a few months since they’ve moved in and Stu now understands why Burt wouldn’t tell him the story of why they kids got arrested.

_“I want you to remain in love with me and if I tell you that story now, knowing what’s coming, you’ll never forgive me._ ” He’d said, with no airs about him. Stu appreciates it now. He’s heard this ridiculous story so much he can point out who’s going to say what and when.

“I was looking the thinnest I’d ever looked!” Phephanie would start.

“I had the first of many organic cantaloupes.” Barsley would add, at least answering Stu’s question about where and when the fetish started.

“We wanted to help someone. I needed to feel good.” Mulia would say, finding new and exciting ways to make it about her.

“What Mulia’s trying to say, is that we wanted a way to do more and to help more people in need.” Chonathan would mansplain.

They’d go on to tell each other - that’s right, _each other_ , they weren’t talking to Stu who was sitting facing away from them at the breakfast bar, they would just talk to each other. Though Stu supposes that might not be so strange seeing they’ve been apart for four years.

They’d tell each other about that fateful day of stealing a van and driving below the line where they simply walked into someone’s house and met a young boy they called “Ooliver”. Stu found out later that his name was simply “Oliver”, BTL people tended to have simpler names. At the time, Stu learned about the story because Burt had taken a sudden interest in it. He’d always had a special hatred for ATLiners taking advantage of others. It was such a bizarre case that Stu told Burt that he should hire the guy at his shop and if his grades were good enough, Stu’d make sure his kid got into a private school ATL. He could tell the dad loved his kid a lot and was doing his best, but he was a single father and needed the help.

Stu always wondered why Burt looked so grateful and while he was glad to know now, he still wishes he’d been all in from the beginning.

The fact he had to piece together the connection from information gleaned from the kids? Was wearisome. The situation inside of the house is… tense. The kids are constantly underfoot (Barsley is always carrying a knife and that fucking cantaloupe. One time Stu actually took the knife from him to finally cut the damned thing and Barsley cried until he gave both back), and even though the house has a lot of space, there’s simply not enough of it to go around.

Before they moved below the line, Burt and Stu both worked at home in separate offices. It allowed them to be productive while also having occasional naughty office nooky. Stu can’t help the small private smiles to himself when he remembers. Which confuses the kids and prematurely distresses Mulia. Now that they were back above the line, Burt still went BTL to manage his shop, but Stu could still do most of his work from home. Which meant listening to the kids be the embodiment of everything he found loathsome about living above the line.

_“Plisa and Palph’s fundraiser for baby belugas is on Friday.”_

_“I thought it was for childhood obesity?”_

_“That’s what I said.”_

_“Oh Chonathan, you’re bad!”_

_“No Barsley, you are!”_

It meant every morning after he kissed Burt goodbye, he’d watch the quartet sit at a fully spread table that none of them would eat from while they talked about the day they got arrested, or their time in jail or local sustainable goods and organic vintage screensaver art.

Stu’s only relief was knowing that the rooms they were sleeping in with their spouses were his and Burt’s old offices. Office floors he’d been fucked to an inch of his life on. That he’d gotten the nastiest rug burn on; that he and Burt got drunk and _69’d_ on.

He’d be having a wonderful daydream about one of them getting the rethrush virus that was going around, and was brought out of it by them telling the rest of their ridiculous story.

“Remember when we tried long meats? I didn’t eat for hours!” Phephanie says as she butters some toast and then immediately sets it aside, never to be touched again.

“Well Foofy-”

“Don’t call me that,”

“Well Phephanie, darling, I don’t recall you actually eating the long meat. But I do remember us almost getting them and that was just as exciting!” Barsley interjects as Mulia gets that lost look she gets when she’s meandering in her own mind looking for a corner to wallow in and Chonathan has a mouthful of homemade beer that he doesn’t want to swallow but can’t figure out how to spit out.

“Remember when we watched _Beneath_ with Ooliver?” Mulia says, finally resurfacing. It shocks Chonathan so he finally swallows what has to be akin to warm piss in his mouth. He gags a bit, but clears his throat nodding. Barsley speaks up.

“He said the dragons weren’t real, right? That was definitely a dream-”

“A metaphor, Barsley.” Chonathan, _Chonsplains_ , “you see, the dragon represents the fear of the lower classes to better themselves which is why they stay disempowered.”

“That’s so right.” Mulia says, shaking her head.

“That’s… that’s not right.” Barsley says in a rare moment of disagreement.

“I know, Barsley, it’s right.” Chonathan says, clearly pretending to misunderstand Barsley, which apparently makes Barsley re-think that maybe he said the wrong thing if the look of confusion on his face is any indication.

“We’d be great parents, babe.” Phephanie says as she grabs Barsley’s hand, startling him into agreement. Everyone at the table nods and Stu can’t help but groan.

“You okay, Stu? I have this great all natural vegan PEJ tummy relaxant!”

It takes Stu a moment to register Barsley is talking to him. He turns and looks at the table whose eyes are indeed all expectantly on him. Phephanie’s largest and most innocent of all. He trusts her the least because he knows her tricks the best. Damnit, they could be such good friends.

He knows better than to trust this moment of acknowledgement. Right before he can even work up the air to answer, Phephanie herself, cuts in.

“Remember how they still had religion! Do you think they still do?!” The table laughs and Chonathan takes out his tablet to ask Steffi for more information about below the line religion and Stu remains forgotten.

He mills around and finishes up his work, catching up on emails and calls, checking in with the guys at the factory and updating his mom on his progress. She’s retired, but she likes to hear how things are going and he enjoys talking to her, he supposes he always was a mama’s boy. He’s their only child, a miracle baby really, and his parents were very attentive and supportive. He has a few of her overflow owls tucked around his office and they always make him smile after a stressful conference call or on the off chance he has to fire someone like that weirdo QA officer who was growing worms or something at his desk? Stu shudders just thinking about it.

The day passes and finally, Stu hears Burt’s car pull up. He rushes to the door making sure he was the first one in his arms.

He does enjoy this part of the day and he doesn’t care how desperate it may make him look to meet his husband at the door jumping into his arms and clinging to him the way he does. They’ve been apart before. There’ve been business trips and even when they lived below the line, Burt left every day and Stu didn’t have the sense of urgency to have Burt near him the way he does now.

He supposes maybe it’s the fact that he’s so close to people that he doesn’t want to be close with and so far from the person he does. Or maybe it’s that he hasn’t been laid right in a few weeks and his body is starting to revolt, taking any form of affection he can get. Oddly, as much as the kids try to fuck up his and Burt’s sex life, Stu can’t really detect that either couple has one of their own. The cleaning lady (he’d had to hire one because he learned they didn’t clean up after themselves and he sure as hell wasn’t going to) told him that the shower seemed to always need a double set of gloves and Stu begins to understand Barsley’s obsession with his cantaloupe a little more.

So he’s the first out, the first to give his husband kisses just on the right side of too tonguey and the first to say hello and welcome him home. Burt always has a smile for him, even when Stu can tell he’s had a rough day. Stu takes his hand and leads him inside where the rest of the kids are waiting with their cacophony of _‘Hi Daddy!’s_ and _‘Guess what we did today, Dad?!’_ that all jumble together as Stu puts the finishing touches on dinner.

Burt gets in and gives them the usual loving grumpy dad treatment, _“Okay, okay kids, good to see you too, one at a time, one at a time, Jesus St. Steffi!”_ he baubles as he heads to the living room trying to peel off his coat and set down his briefcase. He pats himself for his phone which Stu has already liberated from his pocket and he holds up and waves without looking. He hears Burt sigh a breath of relief and knows that he’s seen it and is happy one of the kids didn’t pick it like they’ve done in the past (Phephanie when she wanted some credits to buy makeup and ended buying a pallet of moisturizer, though if Stu admits he can’t fully complain, he nabbed a few jars himself, it made fantastic lube).

They all sit at the table and the kids talk amongst themselves while Stu and Burt ask each other about their day. It’s just like every other night and Stu is sure after dinner they’ll go have a few drinks in the parlour, maybe watch some _Below_ and then-

“So what I think everyone is trying to say, Stu,” Chonathan clears his throat and looks at Stu expectantly.

Stu looks around at the table baffled and then at Burt who just shrugs.

“No one has been talking!” he says, possibly more snippy than he intended, but still, it was nice amenable silence being had. Why couldn’t they just rest in that?

“Well, I think the dialogue was possibly more… _internal_?” Chonathan attempts to explain. Stu sneers at him and spears a porkchop from the platter in the middle of the table plating it in front of him. He indicates to the bowl of brussel sprouts in the middle of the table and while both Barsley and Mulia look at it, neither one makes a move. Stu pouts.

“What is it?!”

Chonathan put his napkin on the table and turns in his chair slightly, crossing his legs to face Stu. He does that thing where he folds his hands together, but presses his forefingers together and puts them against his lips thoughtfully. Stu wants to tear them off and shove them up his ass. Or maybe Stu’s own ass. Shit, Stu needs to get laid.

“It’s just that…” he begins, pointing his fingers at Stu, “ever since the discovery… nee’ revelation of physical intimacy between you and Dad was made public-”

“You mean when you and the kids barged in on me and your dad fuck-”

“ _Engaged_ in coitus, yes. I just-” he perseveres, “I think the question on everyone’s mind is… _how_?”

“How?!” The word yelps out of Stu’s mouth before the rest of him can even jump on the train to offended. Burt sputters on the milk he was drinking.

“Dammit Chonathan, what the hell’s the matter with you!?”

“How _what_?!” Stu’s mouth says, the rest of him trying valiantly to catch up with whatever it and his brain have in mind because right now Stu doesn’t have a clue how he’s still sitting and hasn’t slapped the shit out of Chonathan yet. He looks around the table and Phephanie is watching wide-eyed, clearly unaware that this would be happening, but loving it none-the-less. Mulia is comforting herself with her puppet hand on a stick and Barsley is… well he’s actually looking at Stu sympathetically and petting his cantaloupe. Huh.

Chonathan also seems confused as to why Stu hasn’t resorted to physical violence as he answers Burt, but keeps one eye on Stu.

“Well Dad, let’s face it, you’re advancing in age and Stu is still a young man. If we’re to accept that Stu is here of his own volition-”

“Oh my godapp!”

“Then we’d like to know that you’re able to keep him _satisfied_ while also remaining unharmed and after the last injury you were down for a lot longer than you usually are, additionally-”

Stu thinks he blacks out, or maybe he has a literally actual body experience because Chonathan keeps talking but he can’t hear him. All he can register is a subdermal bray tha courses its way through is body. He’s never been this livid before, it was making him lightheaded.

But _fuck_ , it wasn’t just at the kids. It was because it was true. Instead of the usual 4 - 5 days that Burt would be out, it ended up being a full week before Burt was 100% again. Stu did feel responsible. He knows there are things he has to consider having an older mate, but Burt is so good with setting his boundaries, all the recent physical shit has taken them both by surprise! Usually the pain apps help, but ultimately Burt needed a hip replacement and they really didn’t want to do that before the house arrest gig was over. In the meantime, every slight wrong turn inflamed something and the pain apps made him impotent which means Stu isn’t getting laid the way he wants at the frequency he’s used to and he’s being a completely bitch about it to everyone and he knows and he hates it!

But he sure as hell wasn’t going to tell Chonathan that!

“Well, I’ll tell you how, Chonathan.” Stu says, with a calmness that seems to chill everyone at the table, including Phephanie who dribbles some of her drink. Burt stares at him suspiciously.

“You will?” he asks. Stu holds his hand up at Burt and then holds his other out to Chonathan. Chonathan takes it and Stu can see the apples of his umber colored cheeks tinge a slight cherry color. Stu waggles his brow.

“Well first,” Stu says cheekily, leaning into Chonathan’s space. Chonathan leans slightly forward, as though he’s being let in on a very special secret, “he starts out by minding his own fucking business, and then he passes the brussel sprouts like a _motherfucking goddamned gentleman!_ ” Stu yells so loudly his spittle reaches Mulia who silent screams with her fingers in her ears. Chonathan reaches for the sprouts and Stu snatches the bowl from him with so much force that some go flying across the kitchen floor.

He clears his throat, plates a few, and then offers the bowl to the table.

“Anyone want? It’s Martha’s recipe, there’s bacon and Scarbish root!”

Everyone shakes their heads and goes back to eating. The table is quiet except for Mulia who keeps trying to say something but everyone signals for her not to. She concedes and they spend the rest of the dinner in silence. Stu could give a fuck.

He cleans his and Burt’s plates and instead of going to the lounge, he goes straight to his room. He hears Burt reaming the kids out, but he’s exhausted with their antics. And he still hasn’t had a good orgasm. He calls his cousin who thankfully listens to him complain until he falls asleep with his Steffi still on his head.

He wakes up when he hears Burt plodding into the room, limping slightly.

“Hey big guy, that hip still giving you trouble?” Stu says, about to get up, finally taking his Steffi off. Burt motions for Stu to stay where he is and points his thumb towards the door.

“Do you want them to come in and apologize?”

Stu leans forward slightly and hears some whispering coming from the hall. His eyes widen and he shakes his head quickly, hugging a pillow to himself.

“No!”

Burt nods knowingly, “Come back in the morning, kids!”

“Okay, g’night Burt, g’night Stu!”

“Yeah, g’night Daddy, ‘night Stu!” the kids say in succession before going peaceably back to their rooms. Stu stares at the door flabbergasted.

Before he can muster up the wherewithal to ask, his train of thought is derailed as Burt expresses difficulty with getting into bed. Stu sighs.

“We’re gonna do the surgery soon, huh fried yolk?” He asks Burt, wiping the wisps of hair away from his forehead and putting his glasses on the nightstand.

“Yeah, I’m afraid so, egg white. Gonna be down 2 months.”

“Jesus.”

“I know, I’m sorry, cubby. I’d wait if I could stand it. But between the garage and here.”

“I know, Burt, it’s not you.”

And it wasn’t Burt. It was just… this was the reason Plisa couldn't do it. Could Stu take care of Burt _and_ these damned kids?

“It’ll go by in no time, you’ll see, and I know I’ll be a little extra work, but I’ll be here so you can send some of them in here to bug me. Divide and conquer, whadaya say?”

Stu grins and kisses Burt’s cheek.

“That’s my guy.” Burt says softly, his lips soft against Stu’s forehead, “And hey, I’ll be completely bound up from the waist down, so from the waist up I’ll be like a jungle gym!” Burt says with a leer. Stu grins and shakes his head, lifting it to look Burt in his playful eyes.

“You’re a dirty old man, and no thank you, I’m not going to be responsible for any more injuries. I’ll just wait.”

“No! I don’t want you to!” Burt says, pinching Stu in his side. Stu slaps his hand.

“Burt,I don’t want anyone else.”

“You sure as shit better not!”

“What?!”

Burt grabs Stu’s chin and turns it towards him so his robin’s egg blues meet Stu’s amber browns. “The only people you better want is me… and you.”

“Me?”

“Hell yeah. Now show me that cute little ass of yours.”

Stu clutches the bedsheet up to his chest, a flush rushing through his body.

“Why, Mr. Maxsome!”

“That’s Coach Maxsome to you, rookie!”

Stu pulls off the sheet and stands on the bed facing away from Burt. He pulls his sleep pants just under the globes of his pert backside and looks back at Burt… cheekily, giving a little clench for effect.

“You gonna get me ready for the big game, coach? Wanna see me do some squats?”

“Hell yeah, let me see that form. I wanna see what position you’re best suited for, let’s start with shortstop. I wanna see what you look like when you’re fielding a grounder.” Burt directs as Stu goes into a deep squat exposing his heavenly glory for Burt to see. Stu can’t help his blush, but he loves it as Burt showers him with praise.

“Shit, Stu. You’re so fucking handsome. I knew from the day I saw you, the way your eyes just danced in the moonlight. And the day we first made love, shit, you were a vision then and you still are. Now turn around and take those pants off, I wanna see what you’re like at bat.”

“But we don’t have any bats, coach!”

“That’s why I said to take off your pants.”

Stu huffs a laugh and then slides off his pants wearing only his sleep shirt and a straining erection. He grabs it by the base and swings his hips.

“Sah- _wing_ battah!” Burt says cheekily as Stu goes down to his knees planting his face into a pillow. Burt reaches out and caresses the globe of Stu’s ass as he moans softly.

Wet with just a bit of pre, Stu starts to circle his finger around his hole and invites it hungrily to the first knuckle. He hears the snick of a bottle of lube and then feels Burt’s stubby finger inching in beside his own.

“Oh big bear, yes!”

“There’s a little bit of traction on the field and we wanna make sure the slide into home is smooth isn’t that right rookie?” Burt whispers roughly as he screws a second finger along with the two tips of Stu’s he has stretching and pulling his rim. He’s near tears as he twists his hands in the sheets and writhes against the bed.

“Shit, Stu, I wish you could see what you look like, you look so fucking sexy. I gotta taste you. Get up here and let big bear dip his maw in your honey pot.” Completely uncaring of the mixed metaphors, Stu whines slightly at the empty feeling once all the digits leave him and scrambles to the top of the bed. They have a new sturdy headboard with metal bars that Stu uses to anchor himself carefully over Burt’s face

Burt reaches up and holds Stu’s thighs and begins assaulting his ass with sure swipes and stabs of his meaty tongue. Stu knows he won’t last long and he won’t have to. He hasn’t felt this good in weeks and he can feel the electricity surge through him like he just stepped on a livewire. He’s close, so fucking close when Burt takes one of his hands and grasps Stu’s cocks and begins stroking it in time to the rhythm’s his tongue is making in Stu’s ass. Stu topples over the edge, screaming as he cums all over Burt’s belly that he loves so much.

He’s still coming when the door bursts open.

It’s Mulia and she’s _fuming_ / “I am self actualized and I demand attention and I have something to say Daddy and Stu!” she saying this with her eyes closed as though she practised it and was gaining the courage to actually say it out loud. Once satisfied she opens her eyes and her face goes white as a ghost.

“Oh my God, Stu, no! Daddy, _noooooo_!” Mulia screeches frightening Stu who thankfully does not fall on Burt’s face, but instead angles himself to inelegantly fall on the floor. Burt quickly tosses the pillow that was behind his neck to Stu and then yelps in pain since he reached up and behind his head to do it. Stu is about to attend to him when Phephanie runs in on her Steffi letting everyone know the paramedics are on their way.

Mulia is still screaming bloody murder and tucks into Phephanie’s shoulder while Stu is vacillating between trying to get Phephanie to cancel the paramedics and trying to tend to Burt who is yelping out in pain. He can’t get Mulia’s ridiculous tears out of his head enough to think.

“Oh cut the crap, Mulia!” He finally yells, chucking the pillow in her direction. She dodges it and Phephanie looks at his exposed frame wide eyed. Mulia yells.

“I can’t believe I saw that!”

“You saw Stu and Daddy fucking?” Phephanie says, still not looking away from Stu’s crotch. He’s given up trying to even be modest now and just configues his Steffi to give Burt his pain apps.

“No, worse! I saw Stu’s ‘ _O_ ’ face!”

Phephanie’s eyes somehow get even bigger, though to Stu’s surprise, they don’t register disgust as he would have thought. He sighs.

“Yeah, and I hope it fucking scars you for life!” He shuffles Burt into a more comfortable position and then looks back at the girls, “Don’t look at me like that. I know what my ‘ _O_ ’ face looks like! My twin cousin once recorded it and played it back for me, I know that shit is terrifying, but guess what? Your dad loves it and still married me despite it and now you’re stuck with me so fucking deal. Now maybe that’ll teach you to stop barging into our fucking room. Now someone get me some fucking pants!”

Chonathan runs in shielding his eyes on one side and heads straight for the dresser where he expertly grabs a pair of pants, chucks them at Stu and then herds Mulia and Phephanie out of the room. As they go out Stu can hear Phephanie say, “Twin cousin? I _love_ Stu!”

He’s _pissed_. He’s… he tries to be pissed. He should be fucking pissed right now, but… well, he’s still kind of fucked out. Maybe Stiles was right during their conversation earlier?

He looks at Burt who’s knocked out on the pain apps and then sees the lights of the paramedics pull into his drive. He rolls his eyes and makes his way to the front of the house.

Burt will probably be in an upper back brace for a couple of days and then he’ll be down for two months for the hip replacement. Two fucking months, shit, Stu was a mega _beeyotch_ after just three weeks of not coming.

They have six more months with the kids.

They have to find a solution.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know sports. 
> 
> Feel free to comments and kudos! This is kind of "srs crack" it may seem a bit wild, but it's gonna come together! If y'all are familiar with me, you know I pull it out in the end! (and shove it back in and knot it, ahem)


	4. Fucktastic!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everywhere Stu looks...
> 
> There's one of those damned kids!
> 
> He's got a full house.

_Whatever happened to predictability?_ Stu wonders to himself as he looks around his house. It’s nearly bursting at the seams it’s so full of… people. He’s standing at the entrance to their room where Burt is home resting after his surgery. It was basically outpatient and now Burt Maxsome is the owner of a brand new bionic hip and lower spine. Stu catches his eyes briefly and catches the wink Burt throws him.

As soon as his new bones settle, their sex life is going to be _amazing_ , but it’s going to take a while for his body to accept the equipment and then he has to learn the biometric functions in order to operate the new pieces to their full potential. Stu sighs, Burt has a problem keeping his damned Steffi watch charged.

There are nurses fussing over him now. He wasn’t wrong about being immobile from the waist down. His lower half is in what’s akin to a pneumatic tube. Slender enough that only slight modifications had to be made to their bed, but study enough to aid in the healing and programming of Burt’s hip and the fusion of man and machine. At least Stu would be able to lay on him again while they slept. They both missed that.

Overall eight weeks doesn’t seem like a lot of time, he’ll be able to remove the tube in 4 weeks and after that recovery may be less if he can get moving around, but when dealing with the Chund kids and their spouses who are all on house arrest, not being able to get dicked down by your husband is a liability. Shit, did he just make Burt’s surgery about him? He’s being such a Mulia!

“Stu, are you alright? I know it sucks to see Dad like this, but it’s gonna be okay.” Blessed Booj is in town with his mates Nermph and Vandria Malloy. They came to see Burt but also because Plisa had her babies and it just so happens that Vandria is also expecting! Stu can’t believe Booj is going to be a _dad_. “Wanna go to the therapy vending machine with me? It won’t take long and with everyone here, I’m sure you can slip out and it won’t be a problem.”

He looks at Booj and is about to protest, but Booj gives him the look that only Booj can. The look that says, ‘ _Don’t make me do the adorable thing where I pretend that you’re helping me when really I’m helping you!_ ’ and Stu caves. Besides, he’s got to get the fuck out of the house. He’s about to explode. He goes and gives Burt a kiss telling him he’ll be back in a few. He sees him trade a look with Booj and he nods, winking at Stu.

“Send one of those hellions in here. Anyone will do, where one goes, they’ll all end up eventually.” Burt says, rubbing his thumb along the back of Stu’s hand. Stu shakes his head.

“Not a chance, mister, you need your rest. They can keep themselves occupied for a while. Love you.”

“Love you too, egg white.”

“Are we still not addressing, egg white?” Barsley says as he attempts to pass by Stu. Stu blocks his way and pokes him in the cantaloupe.

“Where I come from, that’s a slur, you can’t say that word.” Stu says as seriously as he can muster. Barsley’s eyes widen.

“A slur for what? What part of below the line did you come from? Can I interview you for my podcast?”

“Don’t say it Barsley!” Stu hisses, gritting his teeth and grabbing the hem of Barsley’s neckline.

“But how will I order breakfast?” He contemplates as Stu tries to get out of the house before he bursts out laughing. Booj gives him a look.

“What? I gotta get ‘em in where I can!”

It’s a gorgeous day and the walk is nice. They talk about Plisa and the new babies. Beautiful twin girls that they named Martha and Cecily after her and Palph’s departed mothers. They’d actually met in line at the TVM’s and noticed the other chose “Dead Mommy Issues”. The babies were beautiful. They both have Plisa’s big ocean blue eyes and Palph’s spun wheat blond hair. Stu cried softly while he held each one and kissed them and smelled them and knew he’d be the best pop pop in the world he could be to them. Plisa told him she was counting on it as she dabbed at his cheeks with a tissue.

Booj said he couldn’t believe how tiny they were.

“It reminded me of when I was learning how to play safeball and we had to cradle it in our arms, but of course we couldn’t spike it!”

Stu smiles brightly, “That’s gonna be you in just a few months, Booj.”

“I know?” Booj… asks? Stu looks at him.

“Do you, big guy? That sounded like more of a question,” he says, placing a comforting hand on Booj’s shoulder as they get to the TVM’s. The lines are short today and Stu is grateful. Though this takes him back to just a few years before when they’d be here for a different reason. He can’t believe how far Booj has come.

“I just, after Charlotta left me, I never thought I could love again. And now I have two mates and a baby on the way. And I owe it in part to you.”

Stu stops and gawps at Booj who’s watching him and shrugs when their eyes meet.

“Me? But… how-”

“You helped me find my courage.”

Stu smiles, and ducks his head shyly, a tear dropping to the ground. This time it’s Booj who puts an arm around his shoulder.

After they return to the house, they greet Plisa, Palph and the babies and Booj goes to greet his mates who have arrived from the hotel. Stu is about to go back to his room to greet Burt when he passes by the lounge and sees all the kids gathered around his husband, which…should be impossible given that his husband was ordered to motherfucking bed rest, what the fuck!?

“What the fuck, Burt!?” Stu yells as he races into the lounge.

“Look, Stu! We made Daddy mobile!” Phephanie says, clearly proud. Burt is nestled in some contraption created from a wedge, what seems to be some part of their siding and the hover system from Burt’s garage. Mulia is nestled next to him in some… fucking ensuite sidecar thing they made while Barsley and Chonathan stand nearby with their arms folded proudly over their chests.

Burt looks comfy as _fuck_.

Stu is about to explode.

He opens his mouth but before he can say anything he hears a coo slightly to the right of him. His head snaps in that direction and he narrows his eyes when he sees a baby floating in the air beckoning him to it. He starts to go, but before he does he motions to Phephanie to get Mulia the fuck out of _his_ ensuite sidecar. Dammit, if anyone was nestling up to Burt it was going to be him.

As he turns he hears Pheph cackle and Mulia yelp, but he doesn’t care because his eyes are full of the biggest bluest eyes outside of Burt’s when he’s wearing his new glasses.

“Cecily, my little sweetie!” Stu says with his arms out. He knows it’s a dirty, dirty tactic to distract him from the kids and he couldn’t be more grateful as he kisses the cooing baby and then Plisa on the forehead.

“It’s uncanny that you can tell them apart like that!” She says, amazed, as she flops down in a chair next to him in the kitchen. She looks exhausted, but happy, her blond hair in a loose bun at the top of her head with little strands falling here and there. Palph comes in with Martha and squeezes her shoulder before going to the fridge to start lunch. She sighs and looks like she could use a million naps and Stu thinks she looks stunning.

“Pop-pop will always be able to tell his girls apart, they’re as different as night and day, you just gotta learn their tells.” He says with a wink as Plisa just shakes her head at him amazed. He looks back at Cecily who has started to gnaw on the collar of his shirt. He finds that Cecily is more orally fixated where Martha just likes to fart on him a lot. He still can’t choose a favorite between them.

“Have I ever told you that my mom was a tw-” Stu looks over at Plisa whose head is on the table and eyes are closed. He grins and is about to call Palph when he looks and see the fridge door is open but there’s no Palph. He walks around the island and see Palph sitting on the floor, Martha in hand wiggling and giggling as he snores lightly holding a bundle of spinach. He looks over, sees Booj in the doorway and puts a finger over his lips.

“Come and help me.”

Booj nods and they summon the hovercribs to the kitchen. They get the girls settled and then turn back to the parents. Booj helps Palph up off the floor while Stu picks up Plisa bridal style and they push the babies towards one of the kid’s rooms. When Stu lays Plisa on top of the made bed, next to one of the hovering cribs, she mumbles,

“Gonna kill somebody!” and then goes back to sleep. Stu looks at Booj concerned, but Palph sleepily waves them off as he lays beside her.

“She just wants a sandwich after her nap.” he says with yawn.

Stu shrugs. “Let’s make the woman a damned sandwich!” Booj yelps a laugh and then silences himself quickly not wanting to wake anyone in the room as they head back to the kitchen and start taking out food. Stu keeps looking towards the lounge. He wants to go in and raise hell, but it’s been relatively quiet and the kids have been rather well behaved so he leaves it alone.

Although he is a bit pissed they’re being so well behaved now that Nermph and Vandria are around. _Why didn’t they try to impress Stu?_ He hears Chonathan and Nermph talking about IPA’s and wonders if maybe they _did_ try to impress him and that makes him shudder a little more.

“Aren’t Cecily and Martha great?” Booj asks, laying out bread like an assembly line. He’s beaming, ever the proud uncle. Stu nods.

“Hell yeah, I never thought I’d be a pop-pop before being an actual dad, it’s fucking wild, but I love those girls so much.” He starts squirting different condiments on different pieces of bread. Booj notices that Stu has tasked himself with six sandwiches himself as if by habit. Two to one side and four to the other. He’s begun cutting crusts off of one and cutting others into shapes.

“Well Stu, you’re definitely kind of a dad.” Booj says watching as Stu works on auto-pilot, “You may not have raised us but-”

“Nah, clearly I’m just the nagging trophy step-mom. That’s how they treat me anyhow.” Stu says, busily coring an apple for Mulia’s peanut butter sandwich. She likes the slices on it instead of jelly. Booj watches him.

“Well, it’s not just them, Stu.”

Stu looks at Booj and his jaw drops.

“Holy shit! I’m sorry, Booj, you know I, I love you and Plisa so much and I love when you say, when you call me- well, you know-”

“I know.” Booj says, blushing and getting back to his sandwiches. Stu bumps his shoulder and grins. Then he signs.

“It’s just that, these last months have been really tough.”

“Has it been that bad?” Booj asks, handing Stu the Scarbish root. Stu shrugs.

He guesses if he’s looking objectively, meaning, from the perspective of someone not suffering from eternal blue balls, maybe the kids aren’t all that bad?

When he’s not being a pretentious ass (so like, maybe about an hour of the day?) Chonathan can actually be quite engaging and very smart in conversation. And when he’s not trying to _Keep Up with the Westcrostatians_ (or hell, Chonathan), Barsley has a very big heart. Mulia is… well, she’s a fucking wreck, but overall harmless and she can be adorable from certain angles, Stu is sure of it. And Phephanie, fuck, if Stu could harness her bitchiness and use it for good, he could see them actually being friends.

The current problem is that he wants ass more than he wants to get along with them.

“That’s not true and you know it!” Booj laughs as he plates his sandwiches and pulls out some veggies and chips to serve as sides. Stu startles a bit, wondering just how much of that he said out loud, Booj always did have a way of getting him to pour out his soul. He was spending way too much time in Irmingblam.

Stu thinks for a moment and then nods, “Yeah buddy, when you’re right, you’re right. I think I’m still a bit afraid that they don’t approve of me? I know that Burt loves me, but I still have this niggling in the back of my mind that if his kids say no, that he’ll…I don’t know. And I know it’s crazy! I do! But it’s there, and I hate it, and I hate being insecure.”

He goes to the fridge and pulls out some pitchers before putting everything on trays to take to the lounge.

“I do love the kids, but right now I love them because they’re Burt’s and I wanna love them for the right reasons, you know? For their likable traits and charms.”

At this Phehanie bursts into the kitchen.

“Stu on my sandwich can you make sure the bread is cut in half twice? I’m trying this new half/half carbs diet! Thank you!” She looks at the trays of food in both Stu and Booj’s hands along with the other items that have to be carried into the lounge and then she _curtsies,_ turns and leaves. Stu looks after her and sighs.

“No matter how lacking.”

***

“Hey Stu, did you know that Brussel sprouts contain zeaxanthin, which is an antioxidant that’s very important to eye health!”

They’ve eaten and are enjoying drinks and desert in the lounge. Booj is sitting with his mates across the room where he’s holding Cecily. Plisa and Palph are on another couch, asleep. And as much as Stu hates to admit it, he’s loving the contraption the boys came up with to move Burt around. He and Burt are hovering about chaise-height above the ground and lounging with little Martha on Burt’s chest and Stu snuggled up against him.

They’re both cooing lovingly at the baby when they’re interrupted by Barsley who offers up this seemingly random fact. Not taking his eyes off of Martha, Stu answers, “Ooh, that’s intwesting lil buddy! Isn’t it, Martie? Innit Uncie Barsie intwesting?” Martie laughs and farts which gets Burt and Stu going every time.

Barsley clears his throat. “Well, I know the idea of us being glasses twinsies is alluring, but there’s no need. I mean, I know mine aren’t prescription - I just like the way they look - but glasses are kind of _my_ thing, so-”

Finally Stu looks at Barsley who’s getting the attention of a couple of the other kids. Stu shrugs.

“Barsley buddy, I don’t have a clue what the fuck you’re talking about.”

Barsley points to his glasses. “Your eyes! Brussels are good for your eyes!” Stu shakes his head still confused and Barsley rolls his eyes.

“Stu! I know you wear contacts, and you’re thinking about switching to glasses, but-”

“I don’t wear contacts, Bars.” Stu says looking at Burt who is ignoring everything and laughing at Martie’s spit bubbles.

“Sure you do, Stu!” Barsley says confidently.

“I’m sure I don’t, big guy. I would know.”

“You have that picture in your bedroom and you’re wearing glasses!”

This time it’s Stu whose eyes roll to the back of his head and he’d forgotten he’d said he was going to stop doing that because he was already starting to get a headache.

“First of all, stay the fuck out of our bedroom you guys!” he yells a little louder than he maybe intends. Though seriously what was it going to take? He feels rightfully perturbed at the handwave he gets from all the kids _and_ Burt who finally decides to pay attention.

“They were in there because they were moving me.”

“Hey, I’ve been really nice about not mentioning that because I actually like this setup, but you’re already on thin ice so tread lightly, mister! Isn’t that right, Martie?” Stu coos to the baby. Dammit, he can’t stay mad around her.

“Secondly,” he says, getting back on track, “I don’t have any pictures of me in fucking glasses in my room. Why would I have that? Were you wearing _your_ glasses when you saw this alleged picture?”

“Yes, Stu!” Barsley says, agitated, which is a strange and unusual state for Barsley. He’s usually resigned so everyone is a bit taken back except for Phephanie who seems to be turned on. Oh Stu would be _damned_ if she got some before he did. “And although I appreciate Burt trying to help, I didn’t just see it today, I say it twice! The first time being the night that Mulia saw your-”

“Woah, Barsley, hey-” Stu says, trying to bring his attention to the _very_ mixed company they were all in that were very much all now in tune to what was going on (even Plisa, but not Palph who’d somehow learned how to tune out family dramatics long ago. He was Stu’s hero).

“We promised never to speak of that!” Mulia yells, her bottom lip ready to go into full sob mode. Stu looks at her incredulously.

“Hey! _I’m_ the one who was seeing unmapped stars and _you_ ruined that! Don’t act like you’re the one who was scarred Mulia, learn to fucking knock!”

“Why don’t you have a lock?!” She counters in a wheeze.

“Why don’t you be an adult!?” He asks defiantly, daring her or anyone else to mention the nearly 15 year age difference between them.

“Alright everyone calm down!” Burt finally says, comforting Martha who’d began to get fussy… and Stu, who already was.

Barsley puts both hands up, cautiously. “I distinctly remember, Stu, and with your express permission, I can retrieve the photo. I have impeccable recall!”

Stu sighs, knowing this would never end until Barsley proved his point. He did admire his tenacity, just not when it was directed at him for ventures he didn’t care about in the first place.

“FIne, go get this picture of me in glasses that I don’t fucking wear.” He says, waving an excited Barsley away. He looks at Burt who raises one eyebrow and Stu pushes it down causing Burt to raise the other one. It’s so damned cute, Stu can’t help but lean over and kiss his man. It reminds him of- and _that’s_ when he remembers exactly which picture Barsley is referring to.

“Fucking _shit_.”

Burt pulls back a little.

“Did you just say ‘ _fucking shit_ ’ into my mouth, egg white?”

“I know we ignore when Barsley asks because it’s humorous, but what is the _egg white_ thing about?” Chonathan asks. Stu ignores him.

“I don’t know, maybe,” he says to Burt. “Why? Is it sexy?”

“Isn’t everything with you?”

Stu grins, kissing Burt again. “Damned right!”

The baby gurgles so Stu kisses her too as Barsley jogs back in with the picture. He points to a young man in a suit holding a diploma and mortarboard. He does look like Stu and he is wearing glasses. Barsley looks very pleased with himself. Stu looks at him blankly.

“Yeah, that’s not me.”

Phephanie huffs out a laugh as Barsley’s jaw drops and he shows the picture to everyone in the room, now fully invested (except Palph, though he’s awake, he’s pushing 25%).

“What? Of course it is!”

“Barsley, seriously. That’s not me.” Stu says with a simple shrug.

Barsley narrows his eyes and looks at Stu suspiciously, “I know this family loves to mess with me, but I’m sure about this! I’m sure this is you!” He insists, though his confidence is waning.

“I’m sure it’s not. I would know…I’m _ME_!”

“Then who is it!” Barsley _finally_ asks, throwing his hands in the air.

“It’s my twin cousin, Stiles.” Stu answers simply.

Everyone…well, they all look… well they… huh.

“Twin cousins don’t exist.” Chonathan offers, unhelpfully.

Stu looks around the room and everyone (including Burt who fucking knows already, and even little Martie who has no dog in this fight - damn these Chunds are fickle!) is watching Stu and looking confused. He sighs.

“My mom and Aunt Claudia were twins. They got pregnant at the same time, and had Stiles and me on the same day, the same year, even the same hour even though I’m three minutes older. So, twins. And we look exactly alike, only sometimes he wears glasses. He got his doctorate a couple of years ago and wanted to wear his ‘smarty pants’ glasses because he knew it turned his husband on. That picture is folded, if you unfold the other half, you’ll see his mate. They live below the line.”

“Why is it folded?”

“Why do they live below the line?”

Phephanie asks the first question wide-eyed, no doubt wondering why Stu would ever hide whatever hotness was gracing her eyes as she unfolds the picture. Stu grimaces. Nermph and Vandria ask the second question and you could tell they want to save Stiles and his mate, but Stu waves them off.

He points at Phephanie.

“He’s hot as hell, but he’s a total ass.”

Then he points at Nermph and Vandria.

“Because Derek’s a werewolf.”

“Oh!” They say in unison, equal parts frightened and titillated.

“Wait,wha-” Barsley begins to say,

“Oh wow, how long were we in jail?” Chonathan interrupts looking at Phephanie who nods.

“I know! That _twin cousins_ are a thing? That’s crazy! So Stu, are you positive you two weren’t just separated at birth?”

Dammit, Stu looked at Barsley’s face pale in confusion and frustration and couldn’t help but love Phephanie and Chonathan a little bit. Why couldn’t it be like this always?

Stu answers Phephanie in great, drawn out detail making sure to remember something else important whenever Barsley looks like he’s about to interject something. This goes on until he gives up and goes to talk to Vandrea about organic melon balls.

The rest of the night went well. Phephanie pulled Barsley away early and Jonathan carried Mulia to bed from the corner where she’d cried herself asleep. Vandria, Nermph and Booj went back to their hotel and Plisa and Palph took the babies home promising to return in the morning for a large family breakfast.

On the way out Plisa gives Stu a kiss on the cheek.

“See? That wasn’t so bad was it?” She says.

“Yeah, now just come back everyday for the next eight weeks.” He nearly begs.

“Love you, Stu. And the babies love you.”

“Love you babies, love you, Plisa and Palph.”

“Goodnight, Stu, love you.” Palph says, leading the caravan to their car homie. They slept most of the day and look like they could sleep more. Stu already messaged his usual car homie to make sure they actually made it inside safely and then their Steffi’s would take it from there.

Before going to bed Stu calls Stiles and fills him in on the goings on of the evening.

‘Want me to come down and swap out like we did that one summer? I couldn’t never fool Aunt Linda, but you fooled my dad and Scott. And Scott’s a fuckin’ werewolf.”

“Scott’s a fuckin’ idiot.” Stu says, only semi-unkindly.

“Hey!”

“And Derek’s a fuckin’ idiot too.” He says, knowing full well that he’s there.

“Double hey! I didn’t even bring him up! Why do you hate my hubby so much? He loves you! Derek, tell Stu you love him.”

“No, Stiles.” Stu knew it. Derek sounds gruff as always. He also sounds close so he’s guessing Stiles is laying on him.

“Hey, his situation is the reason dad doesn’t mind that you’re older than me, big guy so dole out the affection.”

“Love you, Stu, you’re the best.” Derek says in such a monotone it sends a chill through Stu’s bones.

“Still such a sourwolf, we’ve been together 16 years, fuck! _Ow_!” Stu hears a commotion which he guesses is Stiles toppling to the floor and then some more profanity before Stiles comes back on.

“So twinco, how’s your ass? Getting plowed to infinity yet?” Stiles asks casually.

Stu sighs, wishing he had the class to even be offended.

“No, Burt’s still in the tube and I can’t get any privacy. Besides, I don’t want any silicone, I just want my guy.”

“You should get a fucktastic!” Stiles says, like it’s a normal fucking thing.

“Explain yourself, you bitch!”

“Damn, Stu! You bitch!” The two laugh at themselves and then Stiles explains the fucktastic to him.

It turns out it’s a machine that takes a sample of your and your partner’s blood and uses that information to create electric pulsation modules for erotic stimulation.

“You put it around your hips and either lie on your back or on all fours and turn it on and omg, it’s the _shit_. I got one for me and Derek so when one of us is topping we can also be bottoming. Derek, stop throwing shit at me! You know I tell him everything!”

While Stiles and Derek fight/flirt, Stu thinks about this new possibility. He never thought about getting a fucking machine, but he knew he needed to be fucked out and soon, especially if this crazy assed contraption was sounding like a good idea.

“It sounds interesting, I might-”

“Too late, already ordered you one, it’ll be there in an hour. Gotta go, I love you, Stu!”

“Oh shit! That was-” Stu hears some familiar sounds in the background. “Gross, are you two fucking?!”

“I said ‘ _Gotta go!_ ’! Tell Stu you love him, Derek!”

“No, don’t, Derek!”

“Love you, Stu, oh _fuck-_ ”

“Gross! Love you too, but only Stiles!”

“Stu!”

“Fine, you too, Derek! But I also hate you, bye!”

Stu disconnects and goes to busy himself for an hour before his package arrives. He cleans the kitchen, does a walkby of the kid’s rooms and doesn’t even get angry when he hears moaning sounds coming from Phephanie and Barsley’s room. He remembers what he said earlier, but decides he doesn’t mind them getting theirs if he was getting his in… _fuck_ still 48 minutes?!

He decides to take a shower and gets real thorough with the prep in case Burt wants a little show. Shit, who is he kidding, Burt always wants a show. He comes out of the steam filled bathroom in a shortie robe and can feel his husband’s eyes on his, watching suspiciously as Stu flits across the room and runs out into the hall.

He goes outside barefoot to the pre-established perimeter and searches the sky for the the drone. It finally comes and the package lands in his hands like manna from Heaven. He scurries back inside and heads back to his room, shedding the robe as soon as he’s inside the door.

He’s tearing open the package as Burt watches him hungrily.

“You’re _very_ naked.” Burt says appreciatively.

“The better to eat me, big bear.” Stu says with a wink as Burt growls.

Stu can’t help his blush as he climbs beside Burt and unpacks the machine. He explains what it is as Burt looks through the manual. He’s wearing his glasses and Stu can’t help but find him unbelievably sexy.

“Says here they just need a finger prick and that helps the machine understand and create predictability patterns and fucking sequences.” Burt ducks his head, looking at Stu from over the rim of his glasses, “I don’t know, egg white. Am I a predictable fucking sequence?”

Stu grins, throwing his leg over Burt’s stomach and stabbing his side with his erection, smearing pre on his skin.

“Less predictable and more dependable, big bear. I know it won’t be you, but I wanna get as close as I can, is that ok?”

Burt takes of his glasses and cups Stu’s jaw bringing him in for a kiss that starts sweet but turns savory very quickly. Their tongues glide along each other and Stu can feel his body heat as the machine processes their DNA and begins to purr. Stu straddles Burt and begins to writhe lightly on top of him. With the tube on, he’s completely immobile from the waist down so there’s no harm in movement from the waist up and they’re both glad.

Burt can’t get hard or climax, but he’s never been one to turn down a good work of art. He places his hands on Stu’s thighs while Stu leans forward and puts the machine into place. He’s leaning over Burt and staring into his soul. It reminds him of the first time they made love. Right before Burt entered Stu, they looked at each other the same way they did in that moment and it was just as beautiful, the way Stu’s honeyed browns met Burt’s baby blues.

“You ready, cubby?” Burt says, with a bit of a squeeze to Stu’s thighs. Stu nods. He knows it won’t take long, he’s keyed up and ready to go.

Stu turns on the machine and it comes to life. The feeling is… unreal.

He feels it first in his back where the machine is connected, like a punch of pin pricks to his skin connecting in sequence, a kind of acupuncture stimulating his vital points all up and down his body. He lets out involuntary moans as he feels specific pulses up and down his nerves while the machine maps out his body. The nape of his neck, the base of his spine, the rim of his asshole, the very tip of his nipple down to the pad of his damned pinky toe. And he knows it’s impossible but he feels a weight, a pressure to his backside, like a hand in the middle of his lower back as his head falls in the middle of Burt’s chest.

He feels Burt grip the back of his neck tightly, hears him whispering filthy praise into his ear, ‘ _You’re doing so good little bear, Jesus St. Steffi, Stu, you looking like a fucking wreck, like a goddamned beautiful disaster. Is this what you look like when I’m fucking you? When big bear’s got you full up and hanging of my cock? We might have to have Steffi record you next time, maybe I can fuck you again while we watch, fuck Stu, the way you look-’_ and it only eggs Stu on, only makes him rub his erection harder into Burt’s round tummy that he loves so much. Makes him sob at the expressions and the feeling of getting fucked out, but not.

“Want it to be you, Burt!” Stu wheezes, as he runs his hand down Burt’s face, his fingers catching in Burt’s mouth. He moans as Burt sucks on them greedily. He can feel more pressure from the machine, sending punches to the back of his thighs like it’s fucking him, shit, what the fuck was this thing?

“Oh my god! Burt, please!” Burt looks down Stu’s body and notices as Stu starts grinding his erection even harder, is pulling at the sheet so hard it’s beginning to rip. His sweat pours down like rain onto Burt and Stu knows he’d lap up every drop if he could.

“Soon, cubby, soon!” Burt promises and it’s so sincere and Stu is so close that he leans forward and crushes his mouth into his man’s, kissing him sloppily while Burt reaches in between them to grab ahold of Stu’s straining erection.

“Fuck! Yea, please Burt!” Stu screams as Burt begins to run his calloused hand over Stu’s length making sure to run the rougher part over the young man’s head like he likes. Stu groans and after a few more solid strokes his body begins to tense up in preparation.

“Barsley, No!”

The next events happened in a moment, but they can’t stop playing in slow motion in Stu’s mind. He sees them over and over from where he is currently, which is wrapped in a blanket in Burt’s arms as he yells unmercilessly at his kids. Stu’s left arm is wrapped around Burt, his tear stained face is buried in his chest, and his right hand is cradling a freshly detonated taser to his own chest, unwilling to give it up despite one of the charges still being inside the twitching body on the floor.

When Stu was opening the package he noticed a note from Stiles that said, _Have fun, and I added a little something else in case one of those ingrates tried to ruin the fun again!_. Stu huffed at it and threw it aside. He didn’t even really know how to use a taser, but figured maybe he could threaten one of the kids with it later.

It wasn’t until just a while later when he was _this_ close to catching the goddamned rainbow and heard Phephanie’s voice chiding her husband that he remembered he had it. Because fuck, they got theirs, and now he was missing his. And he was so _close_!

“I just have so many questions about twin cousins and I couldn’t sleep! Why do you suppose only one wears- _oh_!” Barsley stops as though finally taking inventory of the rest of his senses; smell and hearing being most evident in this case, as Burt covers the pair with a blanket and Stu stares death daggers at Barsley.

“Umm…”

“Babe, turn around and just walk away.” Phephanie says from the door, wisely not coming inside.

Barsley seems to be paralyzed. “Wow, now I know how Mulia felt, but, I mean, if you weren’t going to continue...”

“Barsley!” Phephanie yells, stomping her foot. Stu’s jaws drop and he… cries.

Fuck it, he cries, big crocodile tears run down his face as he wraps both arms around Burt’s neck and plants his face in his neck letting the salty water fall down Burt’s chest as his husband rubs soothing circles in his back.

“Dammit Barsley, see what you’ve done? Not everyone has your lack of boundaries. You know you’re terrible with social cues so learn to fucking listen! Get out of here, now!” Burt says, clearly pointing to the door, but Stu can’t tell as he’s sobbing snottily into Burt’s neck, using his shoulder as a tissue.

“Ok, ok!” Barsley says, and dammit, Stu can’t even fully be mad at him because he’s saying it so sincerely and Stu knows he’s a big ole fucking mess. “Stu, I’m so sorry. I’m going to leave, but I didn’t mean for you to cry. I was just curious, I didn’t think you and dad would be, not with the tube, I-”

“What’s going on here in the middle of the night people? Did I miss something? Are we talking about Stu’s twin? I can go get a bottle of red.” Stu hears Chonathan enter the room and knows Mulia is shuffling close behind. This is when he sees the taser out of the corner of his eye. This is when his dick twitches again. This is when he grabs it and aims.

This is when Chonathan ends up a writhing mess on the floor while Phephanie laughs and Mulia wails. Barsley just looks on stunned, and somewhat grateful (and a little surprised) it wasn’t him.

.

***

**

“Can you take a restraining order out on someone in charge of your house arrest?!” Mulia screams as she attempts to remove the charges from Chonathan’s chest and arms.

Burt looks at her angrily.

“Mulia, don’t even think about calling your parole officer or _anyone_ , do you understand?” Mulia ignores him. “Mulia! Do you understand?” Burt says more forcefully, with a growl in his voice. Mulia looks at him wide-eyed and nods.

Jesus St. Steffi, these kids were fucking hellions! Burt thought maybe Stu had been exaggerating some, but if they’d been working his nerves enough for the kid to get a taser, something was definitely wrong. He always thought of them as ants. Your eco system depended on them and at times they could be cute little buggers, but let them get out of control and you could have one fucked up picnic on your hands.

And with the treat trembling in his arms, crading said taser, Burt would say this was worse than some infested potato salad. Hell, he can’t think of the last time he’s been able to give his husband an assisted orgasm without one of his damned kids ruining it. He’d have to look at putting an end to that.

Before he ends up putting an end to one of these damned kids.

“Everyone get the hell out of here! I’ll deal with you in the morning.” He orders and the kids scurry out, Mulia dragging Chonathan behind her by his legs. He soothes Stu for a while and then convinces him to get a wet cloth to get them both cleaned up. He asks him if he wants him to blow him, but Stu just shakes his head sadly and burrows into Burt’s side.

“Love you, Burt. Goodnight. Sorry I tased your kid.” He says, asleep before Burt can tell him he should never have to apologize for something he should have never had to do in the first place.

He sighs. He’s going to make this right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Looks like we have a change in POV ;) 
> 
> Comments and kudos keep me going, bring em on, baby!
> 
> \---  
> Hi all! This isn't over, I just... Life man, you know? Life! 
> 
> Be back soon, thanks for hanging in there!


	5. Mind Your Own Brusselsprouts!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Burt takes us through his day as he prepares a surprise for Stu.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's this?! IT'S AN UPDATE Y'ALL! W00T!

It’s been… 4 weeks.

“Four weeks, three days, 16 hours and 25 minutes.” Burt rasps to himself. He knows because he’s counted every second, every minute and every hour he’s had to spend alone with his hellion brood.

He’d seen right away how stressed Stu had been and knew he was right when he suggested Stu go work at Burt’s office at the shop BTL and Stu only asked him once if he was sure.

“No, hon, someone’s gotta take care of you and the kids.” Stu lightly protested though still getting up and packing his things. Burt huffed.

“Don’t worry, cubby. Phephanie and Barsley have law degrees and Chonathan is a lecturer-” Burt looked up as Stu stared at him incredulously.

“Phephanie and Barsley have _what_?”

“So I’m sure they can definitely get it together enough to take care of-” Burt trailed off as he noticed Stu had basically stopped listening and started just pacing in front of him.

“Sure, okay! Fucking _law_ degrees, are you fucking kidding? I’ve been cutting crusts off their sandwiches, those little monsters!” Stu mumbled as he walked from the room, clearly disgruntled.

He came back a moment later, his keys in his hand and kissed Burt sweetly before leaving.

“Good luck, Big Bear. You’re gonna need it. Steffi me if you need anything.”

Stu blew Burt a kiss and Burt caught it before kissing it lightly and putting it in his shirt pocket. He knew Stu was stressed; and like he said, the kids _were_ monsters, but at the end of the day there’s no reason they couldn’t behave like adults. Burt was sure he’d be fine and he fell back into an easy sleep that morning.

Burt was wrong.

 “How are you feeling, Daddy?” Burt slowly blinked open his eyes to see Mulia staring at him on the edge of tears… so basically her normal face. He sighed, immediately wary.

“Uhh, I’m fine sweetheart. Did you step on a bug or something?”

Mulia’s eyes went wide, “Daddy don’t joke about that!” she said as a tears started to form in her eyes. Burt put both hands up, trying to placate his eldest daughter.

“Sorry, baby. Listen, just tell me what wrong!” He insisted. Mulia’s chin wobbled and she was about to say something when there was an interruption from the doorway.

“She thinks you’re going to die,” Phephanie stood in the door, sneering snottily at her big sister who began to dry sob, clinging to Burt’s forearm shaking her head.

“He’s not going to die!” She wailed while Burt rolled his eyes.

“I’m not going to die!” Burt insisted, “Mulia, what the hell?”

Mulia’s eyes snapped up at him, completely betrayed, “Daddy, no! I swear I didn’t think-”

“Where’s Stu?” Phephanie interrupted inelegantly, “I’m hungry and he always makes my cucumber sandwiches the best.”

Burt sighed, “You mean the thin slices of cucumber that you pick out of the sandwich so you can suck the seeds out and spit them at your sister and your husband?”

“We’re more like… _life associates_.” Phephanie said as though highlighting a marquee.

“Well Stu’s at my office so you’re gonna need to get your own food. And something for me too!” Burt ordered, suddenly feeling the emptiness in his stomach.

“Umm, I don’t cook, Daddy. I’m a lawyer. That’s Barsley, he just has a law degree, but couldn’t pass the bar. _Bars_!” Pheph yelled out the door, “Daddy wants food!”

Burt was about to ask why she thought Barsley would be able to hear her when the little git answered,

“We got cantaloupe!”

Burt glowered, his hunger surely egging on his irritation.

“No cantaloupe! Chonathan, please make us some food, Jesus St. Steffi!”

Chonathan popped his head in the room nodding.

“You got it, Burt! Salad nicoise with parmesan crisps coming right up!”

Burt remembers he heard banging for about 20 minutes before Chonathan came back with a bowl of dry cereal and a glass of milk. Burt looked at the cereal and then at Chonathan, saying all he needed to with his eyes. Chonathan shrugged.

“Someone needs to go to the store. Where’s Stu? He usually takes care of the ordering.”

Burt groaned and kicked everyone out of his room. He poured the milk on the cereal and when he went to take a bite, his shoulders slumped and he could feel the energy drain for him.

They’d forgotten the spoon.

The weeks passed and though the kids are no less annoying, Burt himself is getting better. The tube is off and Burt is slowly completing his physical therapy exercises to expedite his healing. He’s glad that Stu has been able to relieve some stress by being away from the kids during the day, but Burt misses him and shit, he needs a vacation too!

Even if just to get their sex life back on track. They haven’t been fully intimate with each other since the tasering incident. Stu is scared to really get anything going because he knows the kids will find a way to interrupt it. Despite the fact that they’d slept together for two weeks after and didn’t get a single interruption from the kids. Burt later discovered it was because they were frightened of what Stu would do and as soon as they felt he wouldn’t taser them all, they started in with the intrusions again.

Burt’s this fucking close to buying a tent and making the kids sleep outside while he fucks his man. Sure, he’s still got a couple of weeks before he’s in top shape, and with the meds he still can’t hold an erection, but he’s got an idea to get the kids off Stu’s back, and to get Stu off in general. He just needed a little help putting the surprise together.

“What?” an uncharacteristic hard scowl and a gruff voice pop up on the Steffi projector and if it wasn’t for the stunning hazel eyes, Burt would have thought he had the wrong number.

“Hey Derek, it’s me, Burt!”

As soon as Derek registers who it _isn’t_ his entire demeanor changes and a blinding smile graces his face. Burt can’t help but smile back, this was the Derek he was used to.

“Heya Burt! Sorry about that, good buddy, damned marketers, you know?” Derek explains with a knowing nod and a cheeky wink. Burt nods in agreement and laughs. He loves this guy! “How are you, guy?”

“I’m well, I’m well. Doing much better and hope to be back in the saddle in a couple of weeks.”

“That’s great, Burt, glad to hear it!” Derek says with an enthusiastic thumbs up. He looks to his right briefly and Burt can see him moving to another room in the house.

“You okay there, Der?” Burt asks, confused about the change of location. Derek nods.

“Yeah buddy, Stiles is home and I wanted to make sure we had some privacy. Anyhow, what’s up with my favorite twinsband?”

Burt laughs heartily at their inside joke. They’ve taken to calling each other that since Stu and Stiles are twin cousins (or “twin sins” as Burt and Derek like to joke in secret). They either call each other “twinsbands” or “hustwins”. Burt wonders if this counts as another secret he’s holding from Stu? He knows the young man would probably mock him for it and go off about how terrible Derek was, and Burt didn’t want to upset him so he guesses this is okay.

“Stu’s been kind of stressed lately.” he starts as Derek nods knowingly.

“I’d heard Stiles mentioning something about it, poor guy.” Burt swoons a little at Derek’s caring for Stu. Damn, he loves Derek and can’t understand why Stu is so damned cantankerous around the young man. Stu admitted to Burt that he loves Derek, but then backtracks saying it’s only because of Stiles and he can feel that shit due to twinsense or some other bullshit like that. But then he says that Derek is always mean and annoying him and a pain in his ass, but Burt doesn’t get it. They haven’t really been all together, but when Burt and Derek pair off, Derek is delightful.

Even at the wedding, Stu grussed at him every chance he got, but whenever Burt looked at Derek, he was met by a contagiously beautiful smile.

“Yeah, I have an idea and I need some advice for how to get it done.”

“Sure buddy, tell me about it and I’ll help. Anything for Stu.”

But smiles big, “Aww, you’re such a sweet guy, Derek.”

“Hey, I learned it from watching you, Burt!”

“Oh shit, that’s the… what was that commercial? For the anti-anti-vaxxers? I feel like then it was even a callback because that ad really made no sense.”

“Oh, I’d almost forgotten how _cool_ it is that you and Stu _love_ old references and callbacks” Derek says with a twinkle in his eye. Burt grins proudly.

“Yeah, but right now that’s the stand-in for sex and I don’t know how long either of us can take it.”

“So what’s the plan, Burt?”

The plan came to him when all the kids were napping and Burt was thinking about the night night Stu tasered Chonathan. Well, to be fair, it came to him after Barsley slipped and spilled a bowl of cantaloup chunks on him in bed. They did a piss poor job of cleanup and Burt still thought there was a chunk behind his upper back.

His resulting desire to tase Barsley is what led to him thinking about that night. He decided to read up more on the fuckmatic for kicks and giggles and discovered there were attachments you could purchase separately. Including a bionic dick. You could even get it in synthetic flesh so it felt as close to the real thing as possible. Burt wanted to buy it for Stu, but found it wasn’t available on Steffiweb.

“So I have to go get it from the store, but I can’t leave without Stu being here. Do you think you could come up for a couple of hours on Thursday?”

“Anything for you, Burt. I’d love to come to your house where Stu keeps all of his personal things-”

“What’s that now?” Burt asks, he’s already thinking about using the machine with Stu and missed a bit of Derek’s reply.

“I said, I’d be happy to help, Burt. I’ll see you Thursday, okay?”

“Oh! Wonderful, thanks Derek, you’re the best!”

“Just following in your footsteps, Burt. Oh and hey, tell Stu I said I love him and hope all of his dream come true.”

“I certainly will, Der! See you soon, I’ll make sure to get some deer sausages for you!”

The two say their goodbyes and Burt begins planning.

***

The next day as soon as Stu leaves for the office, Burt is up and preparing to go into the city. He’s wearing black slacks, a black turtleneck and black sunglasses. The kids are still asleep - he’d chosen Thursday because the night before they stay up late and watch _The Widower_ and all of the aftershows - so he dresses quickly and waits a short time before Derek shows up.

Derek gives him a look up and down, “Lookin’ real stealthy there, Burt. Do you think a hat would help?” Burt thinks for a moment. He could get his fedora, but then he’d need the trench coat and it never rained nor was there ever inclement weather above the line so that was out. He then thought about a woolen beanie and shook his head.

“Great idea, buddy, but nah, then they’d think I’m trying to rob the place. I’m just trying to avoid looking like a dirty old man in a porn shop. Also, I don’t want someone recognizing me and calling Stu. Wouldn’t want to ruin the surprise!”

“Sounds like you got it all figured out. Well go ahead, I’ll hold down the fort here.” Derek says, holding up a bag that… well, Burt’s not sure why he brought that, but he doesn’t have time to think about it. He’s got a toy to buy!

In the store he finds the section with the attachments right away. Then he becomes flummoxed. There were so many varieties! Long schlongs, short stubby chuds, trans penises and even some animal style ones with flexible knots.

Burt gulped hard, completely overwhelmed as he held up a regular fleshy version that looks a lot like him, and then a giant black one that looks… well, like a lot of fun for everyone.

He’s weighing the two options (literally) when he hears a familiar voice.

“Burt? Is that you, Burt?”

Burt stiffens and feels a blush creep up as body as he turns his head slightly and sees Palph coming towards him from across the store. It was a large store with a lot of displays so Burt concludes it’s possible Palph thinks he may be mistaken. He begins to back away from the wall and starts to make his way towards the entrance with his head down.

“Hey, Burt, wait! No judgement, Plisa’s all healed up so I wanted to get her something before we did full penetra- Burt?”

Burt is nearly there as Palph runs into a display, jostling a table of suction cup dildos.

“Dad, hey! What are you doing?”

“Minding my own fucking brussel sprouts!” Burt yells as he runs out of the store. He swears he hears Palph yell, _‘Is that a callback? Was I awake for that?’_ as he runs towards the closest bullet to go home.

Later that night after revealing the surprise to Stu (who is _thrilled_ ), he texts Palph an apology and then calls the store to give them credits for the two attachments he inadvertently stole. Stu shakes his head lovingly and rubs Burt’s back as he makes the call and then kisses him silly for his effort.

“Oh Big Bear, I love that you do so much just to make sure I’m happy. And I am.” Stu says sweetly as he gently straddles Burt in their bed. They kiss lightly but it soon turns heavy as their tongues press against each other and Burt’s hands roam up and down Stu’s wantan body.

“Thank you, cubby, but I had help. You have Derek to thank too.”

Stu groans and rolls his eyes, “Uggh, hon, don’t ruin this by mentioning that asshole!”

“Hey, that asshole made it so I could get something for _your_ asshole. Also he said he loves you and hopes all of your dreams come true.” Burt says, rubbing Stu’s arms soothingly. Stu slumps.

“He said that?! Of course he fucking did, what a dick! Well you tell him he’s my fucking nightmare and he can blow me like Stiles is doing to him right now except he can’t because he’s gross and I hate him!” Stu takes a huge breath in and then looks at Burt wearily, “Then tell him that I love him so Stiles won’t be upset.”

Burt was never going to understand why those two didn’t get along.

He didn’t dwell on it for long since Stu had both attachments in hand and was programming the fucktastic for both. Burt raised an eyebrow at Stu who shrugged.

“I figure the fleshy one can fuck me and then I can suck the ebony one.” he said with such an air of nonchalance, Burt broke out into a little bit of a sweat. Damn his little cub was sexy.

Burt knows that Stu can feel the shift in mood and he ducks his head, looking at Burt through his eyelashes.

“And you’re sure the kids are otherwise… _preoccupied_?” He asks, handing the fleshy attachment to Burt along with some lube while he situated the belt. Burt nods, lubing the attachment up good and handing it back to Stu to attach to the fucktastic.

“Yup, have them doing yard work, they’ll be out of our hair for hours.” he says confidently as Stu leans back and throws his legs up, giving Burt a whole show as he fingers open his hole.

“Good,” Stu says sultrily as he rubs the tip of dildo around his rim before slipping it slowly into himself. Once it’s situated he sits back up carefully, a huff already knocked out of him, and runs his hands up and down Burt’s chest. “Because I’m so fucking ready!”

The machine whirs to life as Stu’s breath hitches on an abandoned sigh. Burt watches as the boy begins to register the movements of the machine. His honey brown eyes widen in wonder as the machine begins to do something wonderful to inside. Burt starts to sweat.

Stu bites down on his lip and gives a whining moan that makes Burt’s toes curl. He grabs the dildo beside him and puts the tip to Stu’s lips. They open as if by habit and he begins to nurse the leather ebony dildo.

“That’s it, cubby. Don’t want you to hurt yourself. Just want you to gag on this cock. Can I fuck your mouth with it?” Burt asks breathlessly as the heat between them builds. Stu’s hair is plastered to his forehead with sweat and his hips begin to undulate as he keens around the dildo.

His eyes go to the back of his head and he runs his blunt nails down Burt’s chest. Burt’s unsure if it’s the dildo, the words or the machine that’s making him like this. He’s hoping it’s all of the above. Stu nods quickly and Burt slowly begins to pump the cock in and out of Stu’s mouth, watching as it fills his cheeks going in and pulls on his lips going out.

“Fuck, Stu! Fuck you look so good. I gotta kiss you, c’mere!” Burt takes out the dildo and Stu nearly falls forward over him, searching blindly for his mouth. It’s as though both men are beset with magnets because they slot together perfectly, clicking teeth and wet tongues wrestling for dominance. Burt sucks on Stu’s tongue until the machine does something that makes Stu spill the nastiest moan directly into his mouth.

“Big Bear!” Stu wheezes out, propping himself up on Burt’s chest, his hips moving as though being punched from the back. His dick fucks into Burt’s belly button, leaving pre all in Burt’s pubic hair. Burt starts to reach for his dick, but Stu slaps his hand away, “D-don’t, don’t you dare!”

He falls forward, his forearms folded awkwardly underneath him as he bites Burt’s chin and curses, his hips still bucking like he’s getting the dicking of his life.

“Fuck, Burt! It feels so real,” Stu opens his eyes and tears fall down his face. Burt sees his eyes have dilated to mostly black with a ring of bronze around the iris and he thrusts himself aimlessly on top of Burt, letting the pleasure overtake him. Burt knows he gets like this when he’s inside of Stu, and he can’t wait until he can do it again.

“Feel good, cubby?”

Stu nods furiously, “It feels like you’re fucking me, baby! Like you’re really fucking _fucking_ me! Oh shit I’m close, Burt! Touch me now, touch me!”

Never one to ignore an order, Burt pushes Stu back and slides a rough hand down his sweat slick chest, making sure his callouses graze Stu’s nipples. Stu’s groan starts low and builds as Burt forms a tight hold on Stu’s dick, allowing him to fuck into his fist until he’s pouring over it with a scream.

He comes so hard, some of it ends up in Burt’s hair, his mouth, his neck. Stu collapses on top of Burt, breathing heavily. He makes a motion behind him, and Burt takes the cue to turn off the machine and remove it from Stu’s ass.

He pulls the dildo out slowly and sticks out his tongue like he’s about to clean it, but Stu stops him.

“Fuck, Burt, you can’t… I can’t get hard again yet and that’s too fucking- shit that was good!” Stu babbles as he tries to gather himself and fails. Burt shrugs and tosses the member off to the side, instead opting to run his hands up and down Stu’s sides. Stu suddenly sits straight up.

“What’s wrong, cubby?” Burt asks, unsure of the paranoid look on Stu’s face.

“It’s… I got to orgasm, Burt! For the first time in fucking… _months_! With you! And there were no interruptions! I just, it seems to good to be true, I just can’t believe it.”

“Well believe it, cubby!” Burt says soothingly, using his finger to brush Stu’s hair from his forehead before cupping his face in his paw. He uses his thumb to run across Stu’s lip and Stu sucks it sweetly into his mouth. “The kids may be hellions, but they understand how important this was for you. And hell, I gave them the easiest thing I could think of that would take them a while. With a little foresight and planning you can avoid almost any disaster.”

Stu nods, “Yeah, famous last- _fuck_!”

The window to their bedroom shatters as a sprinkler comes flying inside, spraying water wildly all over the room!

“What the hell?! Kids!” Burt inspects Stu quickly to make sure he didn’t get hit with any glass and when satisfied he lays him on the bed and stands up, walking gingerly to the door to get his slippers and robe. Afterwards, he walks into the hallway and out into the front yard. “Jesus St. Steffi, you fucking hellions! Stu could have been hurt, turn off the universal-damned water!”

Stu watches as Burt runs around the yard yelling at his kids. Phephanie looks into the window guiltily and waves to Stu. He can see the fear on her face, like she’s waiting to be tased and knows she deserves it. But Stu wasn’t going to do that. He smiles sweetly and shrugs, throwing a wave to Phephanie whose eyes widen even more as she trots off.

“Either he’s completely fucked out or he’s going to kill us all tonight!” she yells.

“Foofy, no!” Mulia screams as Barsley pulls the sprinkler out through the window at what he thinks is a safe distance. Chonathan is working with Burt to try and turn off the water. It turned out that when Chonathan was mowing the lawn, Mulia thought it would be helpful to turn on the sprinklers because in her mind it was easier to cut wet grass. And she’s a damned professor!

Stu just lays in bed and watches the scene. He doesn’t think about how he’s going to have to dry the room out, or who to call to replace the window. He doesn’t think about how he’d almost fooled himself into believing he’d actually have post-coital bliss with his husband and he doesn’t think about their flooded lawn.

He thinks about one thing and one thing only, and it gives him so much peace, he falls into a deep, restful sleep.

He thinks about...  _revenge_.

**Author's Note:**

> Please subscribe, kudos and comment! And tell a friend! 
> 
> Thank you!


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